Yes, this is another post devoted to a blog award. No, it will not be typical. But you probably already guessed that.
The masterful Jennifer M. Eaton, whose “writing rants” I always enjoy, recently nominated me for the Awesome Blog Content Award. Rather than ask why, I prefer to know what she slips into her tea. Maybe she’ll share.
So thank you, Jennifer! I happily and humbly accept. But in order to do so, I must describe myself using every letter of the alphabet and pass the award onto at least six other bloggers. Ironic, no? Because in order to continue the ruse of posting “Awesome Blog Content”, listing 26 more things about myself reeks of counter-productiveness.
So toss me a longer leash to explore…
We all know doctors’ appointments are notorious for endless waits, often spent shivering in a nipple-puckering gown, followed by a flash encounter with a harried provider. Suggestions to fix this problem would require an in-depth exploration of the healthcare system by a sophisticated blogger. Of course, you will find neither here.
But don’t worry. You will not leave my site empty-headed. (Unless you entered that way.) Instead, given my background in health care, I will share 26 ways to gain more time with your doctor. When that white-coat shove hurtles you into the hallway before you’ve received your due, just blurt out one of the following symptoms or diseases. Then ripple in delight at the provider’s alarm and watch your time expand.*
From A to Z, conditions that will lengthen your visit (and increase your medical knowledge—my gift to you) include:
Anal leakage (Need I say more?)
Borborygmus (The rumbly sound in your tummy. Probably won’t net you any extra time with the doc, but it will make your few moments embarrassing.)
Cotard Delusion (Belief that you are dead, decaying, or have missing body parts. The latter is not the same as penis envy.)
Discharge. From anywhere.
Exploding Head Syndrome (Not as exciting as it sounds—sufferers hear loud, explosion-type noises in their heads. Sorry to disappoint.)
Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva (Muscles and connective tissue are gradually replaced by bone. Is really quite sad, so am not sure why I’m including it, other than I needed an F, and flatulence seemed too obvious.)
Galactorrhea (Abnormal milk production, men or women. May come in handy if you are a barista.)
Hematochezia (Bloody stools. Hello, Black Snake of Colonoscopy Land.)
Icky pus. From anywhere.
Jock itch (Self-explanatory, but you will need an anti-fungal to cure it. And please, do so before your girlfriend comes over.)
Kala-azar (This is visceral leishmaniasis, a disease spread by sandflies. And good luck finding a Western doctor who will consider this diagnosis for your night sweats and skin ulcers.)
Liquid poop (Not a medical term per se, but surely a condition you don’t want. But watch out, it might reintroduce the Black Snake.)
Myokymia (Well, actually eyelid twitching is not a big deal, but I thought you might like to know the medical term for those rapid-fire eyelid fits. You’re welcome.)
No urine output for 48 hours (Check out your doc’s expression after hearing that one.)
Orthostasis (Drop in blood pressure when standing up. Just make sure your provider can catch you.)
Priapism (You know, that erection you’ve had for the last six hours?)
Q-tip ruptured ear drum (It happens. A lot. You are not mining for gold. Best to keep the thing confined to the outer ear.)
Rhinorrhea (Okay, a runny nose won’t buy you any extra time with the doc, but if you unabashedly sneeze out the contents, you will share your illness.)
Sexsomnia (Sufferer engages in sexual activity while asleep. And this is a bad thing?)
Trimethylaminuria (Breath, sweat, or urine that smells like fish. Or in other words, your ex.)
Urethral burning (Which begs the question: Just what have you been up to?)
Vanishing testis syndrome (Self-explanatory. And concerning if you’re past puberty.)
Werewolf syndrome (Excessive body hair. Actually, is more politically correct to use the term hypertrichosis, but the H was already taken by bloody poo.)
X-ray of Mountain Dew bottle nestled in your rectum (I guarantee, if you bring this exhibit to your doctor’s appointment, you will not leave anytime soon.)
Yellow skin and eyes (Jaundice should get your doc hopping.)
Zero for a pulse, a blood pressure, or a respiratory rate (If you have any of these, well, you will get all the time you want. An eternity, actually.)
See? Who says I can’t educate and inspire?
Now, for the bloggers I will bug, er, I mean, honor with the ABC Award:
Although always hard to choose, here are seven awesome-blog-content bloggers to whom I pass on this award. I will spread the love around to avoid getting slapped with online restraining orders from those I’ve previously nominated, but know that there are many other blogs I follow and enjoy. Next time, I guess. (Yes, I realize that’s a little presumptuous. I’m not an idiot, you know. Oh, wait…)
As always, I look forward to your comments. Any startle-producing medical complaints you’d like to add?
*For the sarcastic-deficient and good-hearted folks who stumbled upon my blog in search of medical advice: Yes, this post is a joke. No, you should not make up symptoms. Not only is it unethical, but you will invite a buttload of costly tests. Some of which will be in that very location.
Some of the above diseases I found on Life Support, The Blog
Cartoon stethoscope from Microsoft Clip Art