Scaring Your Doctor From A To Z

Yes, this is another post devoted to a blog award. No, it will not be typical. But you probably already guessed that.

The masterful Jennifer M. Eaton, whose “writing rants” I always enjoy, recently nominated me for the Awesome Blog Content Award. Rather than ask why, I prefer to know what she slips into her tea. Maybe she’ll share.

So thank you, Jennifer! I happily and humbly accept. But in order to do so, I must describe myself using every letter of the alphabet and pass the award onto at least six other bloggers. Ironic, no? Because in order to continue the ruse of posting “Awesome Blog Content”, listing 26 more things about myself reeks of counter-productiveness.

So toss me a longer leash to explore…

We all know doctors’ appointments are notorious for endless waits, often spent shivering in a nipple-puckering gown, followed by a flash encounter with a harried provider. Suggestions to fix this problem would require an in-depth exploration of the healthcare system by a sophisticated blogger. Of course, you will find neither here.

But don’t worry. You will not leave my site empty-headed. (Unless you entered that way.) Instead, given my background in health care, I will share 26 ways to gain more time with your doctor. When that white-coat shove hurtles you into the hallway before you’ve received your due, just blurt out one of the following symptoms or diseases. Then ripple in delight at the provider’s alarm and watch your time expand.*

Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

From A to Z, conditions that will lengthen your visit (and increase your medical knowledge—my gift to you) include:

Anal leakage (Need I say more?)

Borborygmus (The rumbly sound in your tummy. Probably won’t net you any extra time with the doc, but it will make your few moments embarrassing.)

Cotard Delusion (Belief that you are dead, decaying, or have missing body parts. The latter is not the same as penis envy.)

Discharge. From anywhere.

Exploding Head Syndrome (Not as exciting as it sounds—sufferers hear loud, explosion-type noises in their heads. Sorry to disappoint.)

Fibrodysplasia Ossificans Progressiva (Muscles and connective tissue are gradually replaced by bone. Is really quite sad, so am not sure why I’m including it, other than I needed an F, and flatulence seemed too obvious.)

Galactorrhea (Abnormal milk production, men or women. May come in handy if you are a barista.)

Hematochezia (Bloody stools. Hello, Black Snake of Colonoscopy Land.)

Icky pus. From anywhere.

Jock itch (Self-explanatory, but you will need an anti-fungal to cure it. And please, do so before your girlfriend comes over.)

Kala-azar (This is visceral leishmaniasis, a disease spread by sandflies. And good luck finding a Western doctor who will consider this diagnosis for your night sweats and skin ulcers.)

Liquid poop (Not a medical term per se, but surely a condition you don’t want. But watch out, it might reintroduce the Black Snake.)

Myokymia (Well, actually eyelid twitching is not a big deal, but I thought you might like to know the medical term for those rapid-fire eyelid fits. You’re welcome.)

No urine output for 48 hours (Check out your doc’s expression after hearing that one.)

Orthostasis (Drop in blood pressure when standing up. Just make sure your provider can catch you.)

Priapism (You know, that erection you’ve had for the last six hours?)

Q-tip ruptured ear drum (It happens. A lot. You are not mining for gold. Best to keep the thing confined to the outer ear.)

Rhinorrhea (Okay, a runny nose won’t buy you any extra time with the doc, but if you unabashedly sneeze out the contents, you will share your illness.)

Sexsomnia (Sufferer engages in sexual activity while asleep. And this is a bad thing?)

Trimethylaminuria (Breath, sweat, or urine that smells like fish. Or in other words, your ex.)

Urethral burning (Which begs the question: Just what have you been up to?)

Vanishing testis syndrome (Self-explanatory. And concerning if you’re past puberty.)

Werewolf syndrome (Excessive body hair. Actually, is more politically correct to use the term hypertrichosis, but the H was already taken by bloody poo.)

X-ray of Mountain Dew bottle nestled in your rectum (I guarantee, if you bring this exhibit to your doctor’s appointment, you will not leave anytime soon.)

Yellow skin and eyes (Jaundice should get your doc hopping.)

Zero for a pulse, a blood pressure, or a respiratory rate (If you have any of these, well, you will get all the time you want. An eternity, actually.)

See? Who says I can’t educate and inspire?

Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

Now, for the bloggers I will bug, er, I mean, honor with the ABC Award:

Although always hard to choose, here are seven awesome-blog-content bloggers to whom I pass on this award. I will spread the love around to avoid getting slapped with online restraining orders from those I’ve previously nominated, but know that there are many other blogs I follow and enjoy. Next time, I guess. (Yes, I realize that’s a little presumptuous. I’m not an idiot, you know. Oh, wait…)

All Write

Just Outside the Box Cartoon

Gemini Girl in a Random World

Sweet Mother

Perfecting motherhood

Joy in the Moments

Promethean Times

As always, I look forward to your comments. Any startle-producing medical complaints you’d like to add?

Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

*For the sarcastic-deficient and good-hearted folks who stumbled upon my blog in search of medical advice: Yes, this post is a joke. No, you should not make up symptoms. Not only is it unethical, but you will invite a buttload of costly tests. Some of which will be in that very location.

Some of the above diseases I found on Life Support, The Blog

Cartoon stethoscope from Microsoft Clip Art

56 Responses to “Scaring Your Doctor From A To Z”

  1. Pink Ninjabi

    This blog is soooo good! Except of course, if you’re drinking liquid veggies as a protein breakfast shake and um, suddenly lose your appetite. Thanks a lot! :D


    • crubin

      Oops, sorry about that. But your healthy breakfast choice should keep your colon happy and thereby ward off that nasty Black Snake colonoscopy. At least until you reach screening age, anyway…

  2. ferragudofan

    Congratulations on your ABC Award!
    As the originator of this award you may be interested to know that I have now set up a Facebook group for all bloggers who have been given the ABC Award – a place for you to meet new bloggers, and share and support each other. You can join the group here:
    Please also let any other bloggers, that you know have been given the award, know about this group too – then we can all ‘spread the word’
    I have also set up a Facebook page – the ABC Award – where you can now add links to all of your blog posts and writing – share your work with a new audience, gain new readers, and find out what other ABC Award bloggers are writing about.
    You can find the page here:
    Just ‘like’ the page and get started – and do let all your blog readers know about this page – I believe that all of our blogs can only be improved by letting our readers know about other blogs – that way you will also have new readers discover you too!
    Happy blogging – and congratulations again on the ABC Award – you’re awesome!

  3. All that makes you...

    I am married to a doc and I LOVVVVVEEEE this! It has inspired me to post two posts today! I am 48 hours into blogging for the first time and your post has made me remember a couple of our family stories of ways I have gotten back at teachers as an adult through my children by “playing” with them as you are suggesting to do with your doc! My kids poor teachers have no idea my passive aggressive behavior is due to that chair the principal kept in his office for me as a child. ;)

    • crubin

      Well, from my own medical days, I recall passive-agressiveness is not necessarily a good thing. But man, it can come in handy at times, can’t it?!

      Thanks so much for visiting. I enjoyed checking out your blog. Good luck with it!

  4. Vladimir

    Fantastic post. Had great fun reading it.
    The term “Borborygmus” caught my attention, because for many years I play the worlds most popular card game called “Magic the Gathering”, and it has a creature card with the name “Borborygmos” ( here is the link to the card )
    I just wander, could this be a coincidence, one letter difference but still way too similar words?

    • crubin

      Ha! That is too funny, because my boys LOVE that card game. I’ll have to ask them about that card. They will be surprised I know of it, so thanks for helping me look like the cool mom!

      Thanks for stopping by and for pointing out that humorous connection.

      • Vladimir

        Hehehe… any time Carrie. Please, do support your boys playing that game. Aside that it is just awesome, it is believed that it “grows brain cells”. Even MENSA listed it as one of the best games ever, beside Chess, Bridge and Chinese Go.
        So, if you want to add some more coolness to your motherhood (if you have any questions about the game), you are more than welcome to contact me by email or on Twitter (we follow each other).

  5. Smaktakula

    Thanks for the shout-out and for the challenge! I’ll have to check out some of the other sites as well.
    So many disturbing medical conditions, particularly the ones which end “from anywhere.”
    Sexsomnia doesn’t seem like a bad thing, but at least one jerkoff has used it to beat a rape charge.
    I am a victim of Q, actually–childhood mishap. I narrowly missed having a hearing aid.

    • crubin

      You’re welcome. I assure you, your blog is the naughtiest one I recommended, but I somehow suspect that will please you.

      Glad to hear you avoided the hearing aid. May your future be mishap-free. And discharge-free…

  6. sweetmother

    and here i am responding late to this AWESOME party. thanks so much for the nomination, carrie. you are the bees knees, as someone from 1928 would say. i truly appreciate the award and will respond, as soon as I shower the sh*t off myself. not some kind of freaky pastime, i promise, just dealing with that new crazy pup! lol. sincerely, i am grateful. and as usual, this post was both insightful AND hilarious.

    • crubin

      Well, make sure you wash that crap off before you go to the doctor, or you just might end up meeting the Black Snake (could fall under the anal leakage or liquid poop category).

      And for once, I am happy to report that an expression was “before my time”, as “bees knees” most certainly is. Thank you for making me feel young. Lord knows my children don’t…

      • sweetmother

        lol, i like to use ‘olden times’ sayings. for example – sasparala – i don’t know how to spell it, nor what it contains. but, i’m pretty sure it’s a drink you have on the veranda while wearing a corset. i like to say it at trendy lounges with modern friends who look at me sideways. it’s a gas – another expressions used solely in the mae west ear…

  7. starlaschat

    Wow….. That was funny from A to Z amazing. I can’t believe you started with anal leakage. I did recognise Priapism I watch alot of TV. I notice the blogger sweet mother. I feel like an idiot I thought that she was your real mother. I suffer from being to literal sometime which I can see could be trouble for me over here on your blog. You do really like chocolate don’t you?

    • crubin

      Yes, one should never be too literal on my blog. That could prove dangerous. And yes, I do like chocolate. Lots.

      Sweet Mother’s blog is hilarious. She’s a a writer and comedian, and I just discovered her blog a short while ago. I suspect my real mother would find her funny as well, given she is a pretty hip septagenarian.

      Thanks for commenting!

  8. Stacie Chadwick

    Wow! Thank you for the accolades, Carrie….I think? That is a SERIOUSLY funny (and a little scary) list, and I’m reading this at the end of my day (when I’m generally in a horrible mood and can’t find any humor anywhere).

    Great stuff, and I so appreciate you nominating me for this award. Now, as soon as I peel my eyeballs off the floor, get some sleep, and find my lost sense of everything, I will respond accordingly.

    Thanks for the support GF!

    • crubin

      Oh, you’re very welcome. I’m sorry for your recent loss–sounds like he was a special person. I’m glad I could put at least a temporary smile on your face. Hang in there and keep on blogging (and yes, I realize how dorky that sounds).

  9. Kourtney Heintz

    Carrie this is awesome. I tried to image my doctor’s reaction to each one and almost sprayed my screen with soda. HYSTERICAL! Congrats on the blog award and congrats to everyone you passed it along to. :)

    • crubin

      Thanks, Kourtney! I’m so pleased I almost made you spew your soda. Next time I’ll try for a urinary accident or two. Thanks for stopping by!

  10. butimbeautiful

    No, no medical complaints to add, but that list is awe-inspiring! Of course, if you add to any of them ‘the voices in my head told me you’re really a CIA agent/reincarnation of Kali’ that might make it more interesting for the poor bored doc as well.

    • crubin

      Well, aren’t you thoughtful thinking of the poor doc! What a good idea. Might as well raise his or her blood pressure a little in the process!

      Thanks for visiting!

  11. Perfecting Motherhood

    Well, I’ve learned a few new medical terms today, ahem, and I hope I never get to hear them again… My kids make up medical terms like that too, how funny.

    Thanks so much for the nomination. I love the idea of using the A to Z as a way to describe myself. That will make for an interesting blog post… at least for me!

    • crubin

      I look forward to reading your post! And for the record, the only term I took liberty with was “liquid poop”. The rest, sadly, are real. Including soda bottles in rectums. I wish I were kidding…

      • Perfecting Motherhood

        OMG, I thought you were kidding. My youngest doesn’t speak much French (a disappointing fact for his French maman) but there’s one term he LOVES to use at least once a day. Caca liquide (I’ll let you guess what that means). I think we’ve had too many stomach bugs at our house…

        • crubin

          Oh, yes, I remember many a caca joke from my days as an Au Pair in Paris many moons ago. I took care of two boys, so I believe that says it all…

  12. Anastasia

    If any of my patients blurted out “I’ve been having problems with borborygmus, or gallactorrhea lately”, I’d be laughing too hard at how they even knew the words to take them seriously. As a patient…I thank you. :)

    • crubin

      Yes, but as a chiropractor, you get those fun words like kyphoscoliosis and torticollis. Here’s hoping you never have to deal with icky pus or Mountain Dew bottles!

      Thanks for dropping by. Now go crack some backs.

  13. char

    Thanks for the nomination…and for the helpful tips I will NOT ever use. I find a short doctor visit a successful one. I keep eating apples to keep the doctor away altogether, but he forces me to come see him each year (to get refill RX for allergies. Sigh…Wheeze…whatever).

    • crubin

      Those pesky allergies. Thank goodness you are not allergic to my blog. Sadly, however, allergies can develop unexpectedly, so I guess there’s still time.

      You’re welcome for the nomination. And thanks for continuing to bring me “Joy in the Moments”.

  14. G M Barlean

    Good Lord you are a funny woman. I have a few Doctor friends and I’m going to attempt to spring these terms on them. I especially liked Anal Leakage and Liquid Poop. I can just see someone yelling that out in a hallway and then the heads of every nurse and doctor in the perimeter, snapping toward the announcement. I think the term Kala – Azar, sounds like something you say before a magic trick. Just loved this whole post. A+

    • crubin

      Thank you so much for the kind words! I’m so glad to learn there are others out there who share my deranged sense of humor. Keeping my posts light is a way for me to deal with all the sadness out there.

      And now, if I’m ever in a doctor’s office and hear a woman yelling “anal leakage” in the hallway, I’ll know who it is.

  15. jmmcdowell

    Ah, thanks for the laugh! A good break as I try to come up with something for Thursday! Looking forward to checking out your awardees :)

    • crubin

      Glad I could give you a few chuckles, though it’s probably only a matter of time before someone busts me for breaking all of these blog award rules.

      Have a great day, and may inspiration be abundant!

  16. Harper Faulkner

    Wow! That is the most disgusting, yet, most fulfilling blog I have ever read. How much writing talent does that take? Thank you so much for the nomination, I am so thrilled, my nipples are puckered. All joy in hearing your doctor say, “Cough.”

    • crubin

      Well, if I make nipples pucker, than I have done my job.

      Run with the award if you’d like or trash it in the bin with your paper gown. Either one suits me fine, but please keep your funny blog posts coming!

    • crubin

      I’m glad to hear it! Just be careful with that caffiene intake–you might end up with palpatations. Oh, man, I didn’t include that one!

      Thanks for stopping by. Appreciate it!


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