Why I Will Never Have A Bestseller
There are two reasons I will never write a bestseller. Well, actually, there are more reasons than there are cockroaches, but there are only two I will mention today.
Failure #1
The first is, I cannot write about children killing children. Both the mother in me as well as my pediatric background preclude this. Now, a book about reality stars fighting to their deaths? That I could do, but you might be surprised by my chosen victor.
Not the gang from Survivor, though they are the obvious choice, what with all that back-stabbing and food-foraging experience.
Not the Kardashian women, because, well, I’ve promised never to devote more than twenty words biannually to them.
So who, then?
The Dancing with the Stars crew, of course.
Photo credit: dailyworldpress.com
Wait. Don’t be so quick to discredit them. First of all, those pretty fighters could douse their enemies in self-tanner. Not only does this yield brightly visible orange foes, but the dancers could smell the chemically-enhanced scoundrels a mile away (assuming the Argentinian-waltzers refrain from the oompa-loompa spray themselves). Plus, those three-inch stilettos could make for a lethal weapon. And the women’s shoes would be good, too.
Furthermore, on a sunny day, when one of those Kardashian girls sashays by (damn, 13 more words devoted to them), a properly positioned, sequined dancer could blind his opponent with the glare; fling his arms through a manly Port De Bras, thereby whipping the unsuspecting Kardashian in the chin; and land the final coup de grâce by cha cha-ing into a strong roundhouse kick, which, although technically not a ballroom dance move, would serve a useful purpose in my proposed novel, “The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games.”
Not going to happen, you say? I know. Thus concludes reason number one why I won’t be able to pen a bestseller.
Failure #2
The second reason will be self-explanatory shortly.
Recently, I was tagged for the Lucky 7 Meme by the lovely writer Sheila Pierson, who, by the way, happens to be one of nicest social medialites out there. The idea of this blogging game is to share a bit of your work-in-progress (WIP) for others to laugh a—er, I mean, enjoy. Then you pass it on to seven other writers to see how red-faced you can make them. It’s a game of wills, really. Kind of like “The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games.” (I’ll win you over yet.)
The rules:
1. Go to page 77 of your current MS/WIP
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next 7 lines, sentences, or paragraphs, and post them as they’re written.
4. Tag 7 writers and let them know.
I cannot present seven paragraphs of my medical thriller, because page 77 of the manuscript reveals an important plot twist. I am not that much of an idiot. So I chose seven lines. Actually, it’s nine. Sue me. You will anyway if you pay for and read my book. Might as well get it over with now.
My selected bits…
Sydney licked her lips and steeled her nerves, reminding herself of what she might find, of the questions she would finally get answered. It wasn’t like these were normal times she was living in. People were dying all around her. She hadn’t had a full night sleep or an acceptable meal or a breath of fresh air for days. If Casper had an answer, Sydney was determined to find it. Desperate even.
Do it!
Sydney took a big breath, then knocked softly. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, but she also didn’t want to find someone on the other side.
No response. She tried again, daring to tap a little louder.
…As I mentioned earlier, the above reason for lack of a bestseller is self-explanatory. Notice the use of passive tense. Guess I’ve got some tweeking to do.
Now, for the seven writers with whom I would like to share this horror (and if you’ve already experienced it, then just ignore me):*
And if any of you tagged would like to cha cha right up to my Gravatar face and slap me silly, feel free. Just be careful with the nose. It’s already been broken once.
A final note…
I need to conclude this post with an important message for whoever keeps landing on my site by searching for “Will Smith Nudo”. Listen up, weirdo:
You will not find him on this bloggo. I am not a perverto. Well, that is debatablo. But he’s still not hero. So go look somewhere elso.
That is all. Thank you for coming.
Cartoon images from Microsoft Clip Art
*The main issue I have with these blogger awards and tags is I feel bad if I leave someone out. It is never my intention, just my aging neurons that spark omissions. As for today, I included those bloggers I know have a work-in-progress. There may be others, and I’m sorry if I forgot you. On the other hand, you should probably be grateful.
90 Responses to “Why I Will Never Have A Bestseller”
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Nice post! I love the site. Keep it up!
Hmmm, you may be spam, but I can’t be sure, as you have no associated link. So, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt “Lloyd” and consider you a comment. Especially since you were so flattering…
ONE reason why you could write a bestseller: You are funny! Really, you are.
Another reason: You write beautifully. Maybe not in an ethereal kinda way, but really beautifully.
Another: You are engaging.
Another…. oh, you get the point.
Thanks for writing!
Thank you so much for those kind words! You really made my day. I wish I had a winning Mega Millions ticket to send you, but sadly, those are $20 I’ll never see again…
Thanks for coming by and warming my cynical heart. That in and of itself is a feat.
You are an excellent writer. I found this to be very appealing. I don’t think you have to write about children killing children to be a best seller. You may find a subject.
Tim
Thanks for the kind words. As with most of my postings, this entry was a little tongue-in-cheek. And I’m not really striving for a bestseller with my upcoming novel. Just hoping for a few readers who find it entertaining enough to spend a few hours with.
Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate it!
I haven’t got a page 77 in my WIP. Perhaps I could halve it and get a page 38.5. Give you line 3 …oh, just looked, that’s the scene I’ve got to a) drop and b) totally rewrite.
Oh, the ever-dreaded hatchet job for the WIP. Never a fun task. Good luck with the rewrite. And thanks for checking out my site and commenting!
You crack me up. Absolutely hilarious. Delightful. All those positive funny adjectives to describe your delightful posts.
thank you for sharing your quips and quirks! 
P.S. I would have never noticed that your nose is broken. Looks quite perfect in photos!
Pink.
Yes, I piled on the adjectives in this one. I don’t think I would win any awards from “The Elements of Style” folks. Broke a few writing rules there. Just like my nose. Which is why you won’t see me in profile in my photos…
Actually, the broken nose has been dealt with. Now if only there was a cure for my oddness…
HAHAHA, no way, you can’t try to cure your oddness, it’s what makes you relatable to the rest of us.
And not broken, just new style 
I have someone that comes by my blog and looks for Starla’s poop. I sometimes wonder who it could be. Friend or Foe guess I will never know.
Medical Thriller….I’m already creeped out. Just the thought of reading a medical thriller scares me a bit. Hope it’s coming out soon. I’m not a big fan for Awards for the reason you mentioned I hate the thought of leaving anyone out and having them feel bad. I have a tendency in the rare case I do get an award I usually brake the rules. Which it strange for the most part I’m usually a pretty compliant person.
I, too, am a big rule breaker when it comes to blog awards. But like you, I otherwise follow the rules of life. Well, for the most part…
Oh, and for the record, that’s me stopping by looking for Starla’s poop. (And if you don’t know I’m kidding, then I have some valuable land to sell you…)
As always, Starla, thanks for stopping by!
I’d say the Starla’s poop cupprit was BC (Before Carrie) But now that’s I’ve pointed that out I’ll be expecting more Starla’s poop seaches. :+) I guess I should be greateful that it’s not poop Stalra says.
Oh, that’s a good one!
[...] the wonderfully talented Robin Hawke, tagged with the Lucky 7 Meme by the amazing Carrie Rubin of The Write Transition, and listed as A Favorite Blog by the incomparable Kourtney Heintz. So I thought I’d be [...]
Ooh a medical thriller! I’d read it (and white knuckle force everyone I know to buy it too). I imagine your prev clinical job had moments of darkened stairwells and creepy hospital hallways to inspire it? But as for best seller, isn’t that just a matter of marketing and promotion? Aim for the talk show circuit and casho profits!
Very nice of you to use white-knuckle force for me. In fact, I may have a pair of brass knuckles I can send your way…
I’m sure marketing and promotion are important for a bestseller, but I suspect one also needs a topical, well-written novel. On the other hand, I have read some bestsellers that do a lot of showing instead of telling and use adverbs like they are going out of style. So maybe there’s hope for me yet.
[...] have finally decided to participate in a blogging game/chain (thanks to Carrie Rubin of “The Write Transition” for passing it on to me). It’s the Lucky 7 Meme, which turned out to be luckier than I might [...]
I think you don’t give yourself enough credit when it comes to your writing skills.
By the way, you remind me how lucky I am not to have cable TV so I (don’t) miss all the reality crap you just mentioned…
Well, thank you, but given I wrote the book eight years ago, I feel like I can do better. But before I do anymore rewrites, I’ll wait to hear from the editor. Do it all at once, so to speak.
All the reality TV is annoying, but I would miss my cable if I didn’t have it. I couldn’t watch great shows like “Justified” (one of the best written shows on television, I think. That and “The Goodwife”).
Thanks for dropping in!
I was talking about your writing in general. I think writing every day, no matter the subject (including blogging) is a great exercise.
I still watch a few TV shows by the way, but all online. Less commercials and it’s free, at least for now. And no Kar… family drama. I just couldn’t justify the cost when I turned on the TV once a week so I cancelled cable almost 3 years ago. And my kids are young enough not to ask for it. They watch videos of their choosing every day, so they can’t complain!
You are a smart woman. More of us should do that.
hahah this made me laugh!
Thank you for liking my post! I hope that you will get involved in the making of ‘The Uninspired Chronicles’. I am thinking that depending on the participation level , there might be a possibility of a book
It would be awesome if you could help to spread the word! Thank you
x
It sounds like a great idea. Honestly though, I haven’t been doing this long enough to be in a creative funk yet. Mine is more of a time factor. But I’m going to give it some thought–might be able to put my typical, warped spin on it.
Thanks for stopping by and welcome back to the blogging world. I had just started following you after your last post in February. Looking forward to more!
Believe, believe, believe!!!
Okay, I will, I will, I will. And then we’ll call that delusion, delusion, delusion.
Thank you Arizona Girl–who happens to hang out in Germany–for stopping by and commenting. Always appreciated!
[...] With Pens and Carrie Rubin tagged me in this fun little blogging game called Lucky 7 Meme or 777 going around where writers [...]
I would definitely read your DWTS saga–each pro gets one right? What about the judges and hosts? Gosh, then there’s the band…you’ll be writing the rest of your life, lol.
Carrie, you had me in stitches. Sure you didn’t do a bit of stand-up to earn $ for the medical-related degree?
Me do stand up? I’d sound like a stuttering Elmer Fudd up there. The words flow much better from my fingers than from my mouth. But thank you for the kind words.
And you are right–the number of books I could get from that dance crew is endless. I hadn’t even thought of that. It could be just like the Sue Grafton series.
Thanks for coming by and commenting!
Couldn’t remember SG’s name before: she’s the one with A-Z series, right?
And I thought you were kidding about DWTS Cha Cha Cha Games. (LOVE. THAT. SHOW. What a cast this season, too.) What a great idea. Go for it. I can already hear the fun you’ll have while you write it, lol. (Hey! Let’s co-write it!)
I was kidding. Everything I say on my blog should be taken with multiple grains of salt. But I will admit to watching DWTS. Is the only reality TV I’ll watch. And yes, Sue Grafton does the A to Z series. She’s a smart lady.
My only reality show too. Other than that, comedy re-runs or Happily Divorced. Enjoy your day!
Actually… Maybe we could replace that Kardashian show with a reality show where people who are hysterical on paper, but not verbally comfortable, stand on a smoky stage with bright lights and a competitor, each with a keyboard and a gin/tonic and have a typed humor battle that shows up on a screen behind their heads. Audience laughter decides the winner. whoop!
We could call it Repartee Bang Out
See? Now, that is creativity at its finest! You must be one of those innovators who always comes up with good ideas (I am not one of those people…). I know I would watch a show like that. And maybe the show could have a play-at-home version, so the rest of us tongue-tied tappers could play along!
Oh, and I love the proposed name.
I can’t wait to read your book.
Thank you!
Take out….good heavens. I’ve hadn’t had my coffee yet!
Don’t worry. I edited it for you.
Ohhh you did make me laugh so much this morning. I want to take out those K people so bad but I too refuse to devote more words to them. OK I’ll stop now.
Well, maybe between the two of us, we can allow 100 words per year on the Ks. The worst part is, I’ve never seen their show, have no idea really who they are, and yet, I see their images everywhere!
Glad I could make you laugh.
Everywhere. Even here, in another country, we can’t get away from it.
I found it interesting that you are going through a transition from being a healthcare practitioner to a writer…kudos to you! Nevermind, the bestseller status for now…did you know amateur is derived form the Latin word “amator” meaning “lover”? Therefore, you striving to to meet a goal in something you love should make you feel proud =)
Well, after years of doing something I enjoyed, now I’ve moved on to my next life chapter and am doing something I love. Unfortunately, it pays as much as volunteer work.
I loved your breakdown of the word amateur. Makes me look at it in a whole new way. Thanks so much for stopping by!
I wanted to do a similar story to “failure 1″. In my story the “Big Brother” contestants had to retrieve a bag of shopping with their weekly food shop in it, from the far end of the garden. A sniper would be placed on the roof.
It would probably be a short story (and a short season of Big Brother). Oh well.
A little bloodier and more sadistic than my version, but I’d definitely read it. And I am all for anything that shortens the season of reality TV.
Thanks so much for stopping by. Appreciate it!
Talk about mixed feelings: on the one hand, I’m glad I didn’t get tagged and on the other hand, I’m hurt, really, really hurt. And here I sit with several awards I was going to nominate you for including the $1,000,000 Best Blogger Who Under Appreciates Herself Award. (They told me that they would guarantee a winner from those I chose.) I was also going to nominate you for the Funniest Female in the BlogAsphere Award. The winner of that one gets a round trip ticket to Tahiti and all the booze she can down on the plane, free! Oh, well, whateve. Have a nice day. HF
Oh, man, I just can’t get it right, can I?! Oh well, as I alluded to in a previous post, I am a clueless laggard, and therefore not worthy of your fabulous awards, anyway. There. Is that self-deprecating enough?
In all seriousness, though, are you writing a novel? If not, you should be. Your insight into the human condition would translate into some pretty great fiction.
Thanks, as always!
Yeah, I’ve written a couple and have another in progress. I have yet to be satisfied with my efforts. Just can’t seem to get it right. Have written four plays that have been produced and received well. Yea for the writing life. It’s not as easy as some people think! HF
Ooh, you have been a busy boy. Congrats!
Thanks for thinking of me. I’ve been nitpicking through my novel, but don’t remember what page 77 holds as of this moment. I guess we’ll all see soon–when I post about it and accept this 777 thing-a-ma-jigger.
Am looking forward to it! I’m sure it will be much more inspirational than my dime store fiction.
Funny–but I don’t get the impression that you’re really aiming for a ‘best seller.’ If i thought you were, I’d tell you that you’re wrong, and where there’s a will there’s a way. Mario Puzo wrote ‘The Godfather’ (it’s a decent book, but one of those few examples along with Jaws & Silence of the Lambs where the movie is superior to the novel upon which it was based) to make money and get himself out of debt.
I imagine (and perhaps this is presumptuous) that you’d be delighted with a best-seller, but that your concern is writing a story that is both true to you (by which I don’t mean fiction/non-fiction, but rather something about which the writer is truly passionate and profit is a secondary or tertiary concern) and which somebody will want to read. That’s my take, anyway, and I think it’s a much worthier goal.
Oh, my. I like your interpretation. Makes me sound like a decent and principled person. Yeah, let’s go with that one. Then I won’t have to admit that I’ll never have a bestseller because, well, my book is not that great. Nor is my talent.
But 8 years ago when I wrote it, I wasn’t going for a literary wonder. I went with what I knew and hoped merely for something that might be worth a page turn or two. And for now, that will have to do.
Thanks, as always, for coming by!
Because there’s no other place for this–I see you’re reading Stephen King’s ‘On Writing.’ Have you read it before? I’ve read it twice, (well, once was a ‘listen’ actually, but I listen to so many audiobooks that I no longer make the distinction), and have benefited greatly. It’s full of great advice which I use every day.
My favorite piece of advice–avoid adverbs in dialogue attribution.
Believe it or not, this is the first time I’m reading it. It’s taking me awhile, because I just read a few pages everyday–got my fingers in too many other pies–but I really like it. He’s tells it like it is, and is practical, traits I always admire. And for a guy who tells such great stories and makes loads of cash, he is admirably humble.
I would also read The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games (QSCCG). Seriously, if I saw that in the bookstore I would immediately buy it, no questions asked.
Ooh, I like your acronym for it. Makes it sound important! And now I have two willing readers for QSCCG. Awesome.
Why thank you so much for the chain—er tag! Saturday’s regularly scheduled post will have to take a backseat to my acceptance speech. Whew. ‘Cause Saturday’s post is still in very rough uncomplete form!
Readers will go from your intriguing 7 lines to party preparations in mine. What a fun way to experience lots of different ideas!
You’re so welcome. You didn’t think you’d get off that easy, did you?
It was weird, because this post was supposed to go out tomorrow. I was working on the draft, and suddenly I received an email that I just published a post! Which meant so did everyone else. So I had to quickly finalize it and update it. I usually like to leave my drafts for a day–let them sit, so to speak–but I guess WordPress had a different plan. Was weird.
Looking forward to your lucky seven!
Did you use that “new post” option on the right side of the status bar (or whatever it’s called)? I’ve heard that’s happened to other people. A couple of times I’ve accidentally hit “publish” instead of “preview” when I’m working on a post. Maybe they could separate those two buttons more for people like me!
No, it wasn’t that. I had just clicked the tab button to try and indent a paragraph, and the next thing I knew, everything was “spinning” away like it does after you hit the publish button. Very strange. And unwelcomed!
Hmm, hopefully it was a random glitch!
Oh yes you do have a best seller.
But seriously … “oompa-loompa spray” and all, I also want to read the …Cha Cha Games … ! You know it must be written and the universe chose you to write it. 
Congrats on the award!!
And … broken nose? Really? Me too!
Oh, good. I’ll at least have an audience of one for my Cha Cha Games.
Thanks for the nice words, and yes on the broken nose. Not too fun, is it?
you write real purty like. i mean real purty like. thank you for the morning laughs. – momma
Well, that’s very sweet of you to say my writing is purty. I think it’s more turdy.
Thanks for dropping by!
turdy never, purty forever.
I love your line “sequined dancer could blind his opponent with the glare.” I think there is a bestseller in there!
Ooh, someone easy to please with silly words. I like that!
Thanks for spending a part of your day with me.
I enjoyed your excerpt–super intriguing.
Laughed at your reaction to the persistent Will Smith searchero.
And gladly accept the Lucky 7 gauntlet. I’ll throw down a post tomorrow.
I’m glad it was not the reverse (laughed at my excerpt and enjoyed the Will Smith searcher).
I assumed you had already done this “meme”, but I checked your site and didn’t see it among your endless wall of awards. Enjoy!
LOL.
It’s Thursday’s post. I got the meme last week, but I wanted to do a big post on the meme, an award, and another blog thing all at once.
Yes, I like to consolidate as well. Is more efficient that way.
My two fav search engine terms linked to my blog are “tom cruise crazy face” and “a million tan babies.”
I have to delay my acceptance of your generous award, however, Carrie. My page 77 is very much in first draft form, and actually needs to catch up to where the characters now find themselves in pages 1 – 76. To post it in its present form would be painful…for me, for you, for the blogging world at large, for my mom, for my ego, and I’m all about daisies and unicorns.
=)
No worries. You could always just post 7 lines of “tom cruise crazy face” and “a million tan babies” over and over again. Just to get folks scratching their heads. (The Tom Cruise one I can kind of get, but the million tan babies?!)
Now get back to your vacation!
We really do have the same sense of humour, of the ridiculous. I like this, though whether I’d have the courage to do as you say, I don’t know. What I have found is that when the work is irretrievably in print I find all my grammatical errors knocking off my nose. Still, it’s not going to put me off writing. I very much appreciate your article.
Yes, I tried not to think too much about it. It’s not like I’m going for any Nobel Prize in literature.
Thanks so much for stopping by. Glad you enjoyed my drivel.
I like it! The agents keep saying they’re looking for “high concept,” something I struggle with. Dancing, killing machines seem to fit the bill. Sigh.
Now, there you go. I already see I could have included you in my list to tag. That’s what I get for putting something together quickly.
After I saw the movie “The Hunger Games” (no, I didn’t read the book), I asked myself if I could actually write on that subject matter. I don’t think I could. Not when it comes to kids…
No biggie. Looks like that finished first novel will be my “Drawer Novel.” I’m seeking a non-kid-killing, high-concept idea for my next one. Until then, I’m blogging. Nice procrastination technique, huh?
Works for me.
Oh you so and so! I am excited! Now I don’t have to come up with a blog to write for tomorrow. Hooray! And thank you, madame!
One time, someone searched for “scary girl in glasses”. I was flattered. HA!
As you should be! In fact, I think there is a story in there somewhere, especially for one of your short story collections!
And you’re welcome. Now go write a blog post when you should be doing your school work.
Work schmerk, that’s what I say!