Why I Will Never Have A Bestseller

There are two reasons I will never write a bestseller. Well, actually, there are more reasons than there are cockroaches, but there are only two I will mention today.

Failure #1

The first is, I cannot write about children killing children. Both the mother in me as well as my pediatric background preclude this. Now, a book about reality stars fighting to their deaths? That I could do, but you might be surprised by my chosen victor.

Not the gang from Survivor, though they are the obvious choice, what with all that back-stabbing and food-foraging experience.

Not the Kardashian women, because, well, I’ve promised never to devote more than twenty words biannually to them.

So who, then?

The Dancing with the Stars crew, of course.

Photo credit: dailyworldpress.com

Wait. Don’t be so quick to discredit them. First of all, those pretty fighters could douse their enemies in self-tanner. Not only does this yield brightly visible orange foes, but the dancers could smell the chemically-enhanced scoundrels a mile away (assuming the Argentinian-waltzers refrain from the oompa-loompa spray themselves). Plus, those three-inch stilettos could make for a lethal weapon. And the women’s shoes would be good, too.

Furthermore, on a sunny day, when one of those Kardashian girls sashays by (damn, 13 more words devoted to them), a properly positioned, sequined dancer could blind his opponent with the glare; fling his arms through a manly Port De Bras, thereby whipping the unsuspecting Kardashian in the chin; and land the final coup de grâce by cha cha-ing into a strong roundhouse kick, which, although technically not a ballroom dance move, would serve a useful purpose in my proposed novel, “The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games.”

Not going to happen, you say? I know. Thus concludes reason number one why I won’t be able to pen a bestseller.

Failure #2

The second reason will be self-explanatory shortly.

Recently, I was tagged for the Lucky 7 Meme by the lovely writer Sheila Pierson, who, by the way, happens to be one of nicest social medialites out there. The idea of this blogging game is to share a bit of your work-in-progress (WIP) for others to laugh a—er, I mean, enjoy. Then you pass it on to seven other writers to see how red-faced you can make them. It’s a game of wills, really. Kind of like The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games.” (I’ll win you over yet.)

The rules:

1. Go to page 77 of your current MS/WIP
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next 7 lines, sentences, or paragraphs, and post them as they’re written.
4. Tag 7 writers and let them know.

I cannot present seven paragraphs of my medical thriller, because page 77 of the manuscript reveals an important plot twist. I am not that much of an idiot. So I chose seven lines. Actually, it’s nine. Sue me. You will anyway if you pay for and read my book. Might as well get it over with now.

My selected bits…

Sydney licked her lips and steeled her nerves, reminding herself of what she might find, of the questions she would finally get answered. It wasn’t like these were normal times she was living in. People were dying all around her. She hadn’t had a full night sleep or an acceptable meal or a breath of fresh air for days. If Casper had an answer, Sydney was determined to find it. Desperate even.

Do it!

Sydney took a big breath, then knocked softly. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, but she also didn’t want to find someone on the other side.

No response. She tried again, daring to tap a little louder.

…As I mentioned earlier, the above reason for lack of a bestseller is self-explanatory. Notice the use of passive tense. Guess I’ve got some tweeking to do.

Now, for the seven writers with whom I would like to share this horror (and if you’ve already experienced it, then just ignore me):*

JJ Kearbey

Moments of Clarity GM  Barlean

Audrey Kalman

JM McDowell

Joy in the Moments

Stacie Chadwick

Kourtney Heintz

And if any of you tagged would like to cha cha right up to my Gravatar face and slap me silly, feel free. Just be careful with the nose. It’s already been broken once.

A final note…

I need to conclude this post with an important message for whoever keeps landing on my site by searching for “Will Smith Nudo”. Listen up, weirdo:

You will not find him on this bloggo. I am not a perverto. Well, that is debatablo. But he’s still not hero. So go look somewhere elso.

That is all. Thank you for coming.

Cartoon images from Microsoft Clip Art

*The main issue I have with these blogger awards and tags is I feel bad if I leave someone out. It is never my intention, just my aging neurons that spark omissions. As for today, I included those bloggers I know have a work-in-progress. There may be others, and I’m sorry if I forgot you. On the other hand, you should probably be grateful.

90 Responses to “Why I Will Never Have A Bestseller”

  1. A Beautiful Contradiction « The Write Transition

    [...] Why I Will Never Have A Bestseller (carrierubin.com) Rate this: Share this:EmailPrintTwitterFacebookLinkedInMorePinterestTumblrLike this:LikeBe the first to like this post. Posted in Blogging, Entertainment, Musings and tagged award, Beautiful Blogger Award, blog, blogging, celebrities, Hollywood, humor, life, sexy/ugly, writing [...]

    Like

    • crubin

      Hmmm, you may be spam, but I can’t be sure, as you have no associated link. So, I am going to give you the benefit of the doubt “Lloyd” and consider you a comment. Especially since you were so flattering…

      Like

  2. lidipiri

    ONE reason why you could write a bestseller: You are funny! Really, you are.
    Another reason: You write beautifully. Maybe not in an ethereal kinda way, but really beautifully.
    Another: You are engaging.
    Another…. oh, you get the point.
    Thanks for writing!

    Like

    • crubin

      Thank you so much for those kind words! You really made my day. I wish I had a winning Mega Millions ticket to send you, but sadly, those are $20 I’ll never see again…

      Thanks for coming by and warming my cynical heart. That in and of itself is a feat.
      :)

      Like

  3. timkeen40

    You are an excellent writer. I found this to be very appealing. I don’t think you have to write about children killing children to be a best seller. You may find a subject.

    Tim

    Like

    • crubin

      Thanks for the kind words. As with most of my postings, this entry was a little tongue-in-cheek. And I’m not really striving for a bestseller with my upcoming novel. Just hoping for a few readers who find it entertaining enough to spend a few hours with.
      :)

      Thanks so much for stopping by. I appreciate it!

      Like

  4. WomanBitesDog

    I haven’t got a page 77 in my WIP. Perhaps I could halve it and get a page 38.5. Give you line 3 …oh, just looked, that’s the scene I’ve got to a) drop and b) totally rewrite.

    Like

    • crubin

      Oh, the ever-dreaded hatchet job for the WIP. Never a fun task. Good luck with the rewrite. And thanks for checking out my site and commenting!

      Like

  5. Pink Ninjabi

    You crack me up. Absolutely hilarious. Delightful. All those positive funny adjectives to describe your delightful posts. :D thank you for sharing your quips and quirks! :D

    P.S. I would have never noticed that your nose is broken. Looks quite perfect in photos! :D

    Pink.

    Like

    • crubin

      Yes, I piled on the adjectives in this one. I don’t think I would win any awards from “The Elements of Style” folks. Broke a few writing rules there. Just like my nose. Which is why you won’t see me in profile in my photos…

      Actually, the broken nose has been dealt with. Now if only there was a cure for my oddness…
      :)

      Like

      • Pink Ninjabi

        HAHAHA, no way, you can’t try to cure your oddness, it’s what makes you relatable to the rest of us. :D And not broken, just new style :D
        :D

        Like

  6. starlaschat

    I have someone that comes by my blog and looks for Starla’s poop. I sometimes wonder who it could be. Friend or Foe guess I will never know.
    Medical Thriller….I’m already creeped out. Just the thought of reading a medical thriller scares me a bit. Hope it’s coming out soon. I’m not a big fan for Awards for the reason you mentioned I hate the thought of leaving anyone out and having them feel bad. I have a tendency in the rare case I do get an award I usually brake the rules. Which it strange for the most part I’m usually a pretty compliant person.

    Like

    • crubin

      I, too, am a big rule breaker when it comes to blog awards. But like you, I otherwise follow the rules of life. Well, for the most part…

      Oh, and for the record, that’s me stopping by looking for Starla’s poop. (And if you don’t know I’m kidding, then I have some valuable land to sell you…)

      As always, Starla, thanks for stopping by!

      Like

      • starlaschat

        I’d say the Starla’s poop cupprit was BC (Before Carrie) But now that’s I’ve pointed that out I’ll be expecting more Starla’s poop seaches. :+) I guess I should be greateful that it’s not poop Stalra says.

        Like

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