No More Baltic Blues
Two months ago I was dissed. Now I am blissed.
You see, when WordPress announced their Where in the World feature, I flapped my flippers in joy at seeing so many international visitors. I even penned a blog post about it. Hey, I’ll milk anything for a topic.
In particular, I reveled in the discovery that almost all of the countries I visited on a recent Baltic expedition stopped by to pay me homage. So very kind of them. But alas, much like patients on a proctologist’s schedule, there were two countries that no-showed. Sweden and Estonia. Estonia’s absence especially troubled me given I covered pretty good ground in Tallinn, including visiting a fire-in-the-mouth vodka distillery and a troubling torture chamber, complete with spikes, severed heads, skeletons, and body-stretching equipment (and I’m not talking yoga mats).
But happy, happy day. The two countries heard my sorrow, and both have since visited.
Sweden and Estonia have come to play.
Welcome Sweden. Welcome Estonia. I can’t imagine what brought you here, but your presence titillates. Much like that vodka.
Sweden, perhaps the search term “which ass are you” lured you in, the answer to which is: I’m the biggest ass of all. Or maybe it was “can’t trust a big butt.” You are a fit bunch compared to the rest of us. But I hope the bait wasn’t “tight tank top cleavage” or “open mouthed female celebs.” I expect more from your countrymen.
And Estonia? Dear, dear Estonia. I’m thinking the “doctor instruments” delivered you unto me. Sounds like a nice addition to your medieval castle’s romper room. Similarly, the search for “my new canal kept lubricating” tells me you’ve added some new items to your torturous chamber. Hey, no judgment. We Americans will pay to see anything.
Well, whatever it was that beckoned, I am delighted to see you both. As a special reward, I offer my newest Awful Offspring Offal, today delivered in a unique visual format, which I believe my Estonian friends will particularly enjoy. You see, the following image showcases my dear sons’ latest gift to me, which I encountered walking through a dark and quiet basement. I think you’ll approve.
Awful Offspring Offal:
Nothing says loving like decapitation. Thanks, kids.
What about you? Any weird search engine terms on your site? Interesting countries that landed on your blog? Tricks your kids have played on you?
87 Responses to “No More Baltic Blues”
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I have no idea.
I used to get tons of countries, but lately it has been pretty generic. I miss my multi-cultural peeps. Or other-cultural peeps. Whatever.
That decapitated head will be floating in the back of my memory as I navigate the dark stairway to my bedroom tonight. Thank your kids for me, will you?
I’ll be sure to thank my kids for giving you visions of severed heads. It’s also “fun” when they put their life-like rubber rat in my drawer, or the fake poop on my pillow. Good times.
That’s quite an interesting search term someone used to land on your blog. That’s got to be a combination of several posts, I’m sure.
Thanks for dropping by and commenting!
I got a search engine term today that made me laugh! “naughty nurses with huge racks!” When did I write about THAT?
Ha ha!! Oh, boy, you’re going to have to go through your posts to see what even comes close to that one. At least the person used adjectives to really make the search specific.
The international stats on WordPress are fun. It’s crazy to see how small the world becomes when you get active online. What I wonder is how people in places as far-flung as Saudi Arabia, Japan, Namibia, and Venezuela find me. Must be the sauerkraut…
It really is a small world, isn’t it? Namibia?! Wow, not sure if I’ve had the pleasure of that’s country’s visit yet. I’ll have to go check.
Thanks for stopping by. Hope you’re still working those Germans hard. Don’t go easy on the burpees.
Your blog is funny! Well done mining humor out of anything and everything. Although, as a Finn I can understand that it’s really not that hard to get laughs out of Sweden
Ha ha! Thanks so much for stopping by! Finland didn’t diss me on my country stats, which was very sweet of them.
It’s all in good fun. I think the Swedes will be okay with my post. Let’s just hope those nice Estonians are, too.
Oh the things I have to look forward to with boys. Right now, it is all fart jokes. Soon it will be ways to make mom scared. One random search for my blog was “small man big hair.” Not sure what that was in reference to!
That web surfer of “small man big hair” must have been looking for Tiny Tim. And the fact that I know who that is should be frightening. Which speaking of, I can’t believe your boys haven’t made it their mission yet to scare you to death. My boys revel in it.
I know it is coming soon… I hope I am ready for it (but I probably won’t be).
Being all the way down the other side of the earth, the time zones fighting against me, I’m happy if my own countrymen visit. I did get a visit from the Philipines. That was nice of them.
Yes, it’s interesting that as I’m winding down from my blogging day, you Aussies are just starting up.
My family and I were discussing where our next vacation should be. I was ticking off Disneyworld and such, and out of the blue my youngest said, “Let’s go to Australia, mate,” complete with a very bad accent. I told him as much as I’d love to, it might be a tad more costly than Orlando, Florida.
Flipped your flippers? Baahahahahahahaha
They are unsightly, but I try to keep them well moisturized…
Forget birds, next time a terrible make driver in this country almost kills me in my taxi I’m going to flip him the dolphin!
There you go!
Forget birds, next time a terrible male driver in this country almost kills me in my taxi I’m going to flip him the dolphin!
Sometimes I get search terms in Russian! I don’t even know what they mean >.<
I am the happiest when I get visitors from Japan, cause I wanna settle down there! wheeeee!!! I am going to start a new blog! whoop whoop! haha
Ok Now I am just hyper!
I don't have kids yet so…. :p
You may not speak Russian, but are you sure you haven’t been nipping a little of that Russian vodka? That might explain your hyperness.
I’d love to visit Japan someday. Konnichiwa!
Yeah that thing is for real disturbing.
Yes, it is. Sadly, living with two sons usually guarantees at least one disturbing thing per day.
Thanks for stopping by and commenting. I appreciate it!
LOL, another laugh riot! I can’t imagine your reaction to finding that your basement. My recent post on character bursting got me 30 spam comments relating to porn. you have to love with the Internet gives you.
Who would think character bursting would lead to porn. Guess my mind is just not that imaginative. Obviously, someone’s is.
Thanks for the laugh, you’re so dependable (!) Just know I’ll be smiling soon when I see a new post from you.
Talk about random … here are a couple from mine:
addicted to piracy (?)
sunokret (turns out to be Serbian for sunflower)
We do love our stats
I think I’m more enamored by the country visits than the actual number of hits. It takes very little to amuse me.
I can see why someone might land on your site for “sunflower” but “addicted to piracy”? Whether the downloading kind or the aarrgghh kind, that’s weird.
Thanks for the kind words. Enjoy your queen’s Diamond Jubilee. And all of the crowds it brings with it!
Love the hype, but my high-avoidance strategy kicks in at the sight of bunting, I’m afraid
A recent search term to my site was short pithy aussie sunbathing…they almost had me pegged. I’m all those things, just not short!
Ha ha! I wonder what was going through that person’s mind when they searched for that.
“Tom Cruise Crazy Face” and “1,000,000 tan babies”
As you know, my children are little angle offspring and would never play any tricks on me.
=)
A million tan babies. One only wonders what mind that sprang from. And what post you wrote that yielded it.
“bieber vs. beaker” sent someone to my blog. It is a part of the title of one of my posts, but who search for that in the first place? Are there a lot of people imagining Justin Bieber fighting a muppet.
Ha! Maybe they remembered reading an awesome post by that title, but they didn’t remember the name of your blog, so they searched for that instead. There. My one compliment of the day has been bestowed. Always good to cross something off the list.
So far I’ve only managed Denmark, Bulgaria, Russia, and Australia.
I thought for sure “Pixy stix candy cocaine” would have reeled in a few pot smokers in Amsterdam and “Angry leprechaun sitting on clover” definitely should have alerted the Irish.
At least I can sleep tonight knowing that my efforts to reach out to the Russians with the term “swimming in pigs blood” was successful!
Ha ha! I love hearing what search terms have landed people on others’ blogs, and yours are really prize. I’m wondering what you posted that landed “Pixty stix candy cocaine” on your site. As for “swimming in pigs blood,” that’s just scary!
Haha. It has to be this one (http://takingoffthetrainingwheels.wordpress.com/2012/02/21/pixy-stix-aka-my-first-cocaine-kit/) for the Pixy stix and I couldn’t find the pig’s blood one but it had something to do with a processing plant dumping waste in the Trinity River.
Yep. That one would do it!
I haven’t looked at where my visitors come from, but you sure are having fun with your stats!
I wrote a post last year about my eldest saying he wants to “marry me” (http://perfectingmotherhood.wordpress.com/2011/03/23/mama-im-going-to-marry-you/) so I get search terms like “son married his own mother”. Does it even happen in real life today???
I’ve written a number of posts to encourage breastfeeding and I get the occasional randon question, such as “how do you know if you’re lactating”. Boy, that new mom is in trouble if she doesn’t recognize the obvious signs.
And of course, I can only feel flattered when I see that people get on my blog by searching for “the best mother” or “best mothers”. Oh yeah, that would be me.
That post of yours is so cute. My oldest mentioned he’d like to marry me–back when he was three. I should throw that in his face now when he’s giving me his teenage eye rolls.
And of course people should land on your site by “best mother” searches. It can only be true! And by the way, can you tell me how I’ll know if I’m lactating?…
Pffffffff haha! Thanks for the laugh!
That’s funny. I was going to do a post on search terms that bring readers via search engines to a post. The idea of the post was to try put in as many odd phrases, places, things, references, whatever and see what draws in the most. And also by doing it, see if it became the most popular post. The Rolling Stone top 500 albums seems to be picked up a lot for me at the moment.
Oh, you should do that. And then write a post about it. And a Haiku.
I forget those crazy search phrases about as fast as they come in. Sorry! I make up for it by coming to your site and reading all yours. They make me laugh. I’m glad Estonia and Sweden are partaking of the Write Transition now. They are now edified like the rest of us.
Yes, and I’m sure they didn’t end up here by mistake and exit immediately when they saw it wasn’t what they wanted. I’m sure that didn’t happen at all…
I once knew a couple of chillins who put carrots in their Grandma’s bed.
Hmmm, that sounds familiar. Still better than a severed head though. Unless there’s a dead rabbit holding onto the carrot…
You know it was tight tank top cleavage. You know it. People search for some weird stuff and so far today, the best search term for me is “old nude guy with nude girl on his shoulder on the beach.”
Oh, sorry about that one. But I thought if any blog had an image of that, it would be you.
Thank you, Carrie. I don’t usually check my searches, so if your hadn’t prompted me I would have missed “whoa nellie and lucy lucy free porn.” One term; they put the ‘and’ in there – pinky swear!
Whoa, Nellie, I needed that laugh today.
My most frequent search is “street basketball” but, I’m thinking I might need to up my butt tags? =)
I’m wondering what in the world you posted that landed “whoa nellie and lucy lucy free porn” and “street basketball” to your site. Maybe you have a secret blog I don’t know about? Hmmm…
oops ;-0
Loved this, as usual. Glad you finally got those elusive countries to show up for you
I haven’t had the, uh, pleasure of finding a decapitated head in my path but my 4-year-old loves to leave rubber snakes everywhere for me…do you think he’s on the path to being a serial scarer?
Probably. And believe me, there is much more in your future. My youngest has a rubbery rat that he intermittently hides in my drawers. Not fun, but it’s better than the fake turd he leaves on my pillow. In fact, I think there’s a Lazy Blog Day post in there somewhere. I’ll have to tuck it away for later.
Oh, I can’t wait… lol
Well, since you asked… Top search today is “big ass beaver teeth”. Totally my fault. “Beaver” and “beer” are two of the biggest occupants in my tag cloud. Should that bother me?
Hmm, I’ll let you draw your own conclusions to that.
But the real concern here is that someone actually searched for “big ass beaver teeth”…
Haven’t had a visitor from Estonia, but have had some Swedish and other countries that have been surprising. Scary mask, head — those stitched things are so creepy. It’ll show up in a dream I fear. Thanks for that.
.
I was leaving a comment on your blog while you were leaving one on mine. Cool. See? It takes little to impress me.
Yes, that’s a creepy head. My youngest son also has a very real looking rubbery rat that he likes to intermittently leave in my path. Good times.
That’s my other biggest fear — rats and mice. And now another image.
You’re welcome.
HAHA.. awesome post!
Congrats!
Thanks, Missy! I imagine you get a lot of cat-related search terms.
HAHA… yes, some random search items. So random.. hahaaha..
Like:
“cute cats doing exercise”
“reasons to be a loner” (not sure if I like that one)
“keith kimberlin album” (not sure who on earth that is)
“kittens barbwire” (highly disturbing)
and of course
“baby kittens coloring pages (WTH!)
Pink.
Oh, “kittens barbwire”? That IS disturbing. It wasn’t me, I promise. As for the loner one; I’ll never tell…
Thanks for a good laugh.
HAHAHA… yes! So disturbing, even pics I find of poor tortured kittens, so disturbing… eek..
Pink.
Oh yes — and I looooove your son’s mask — a boy after my own heart!
It’s actually not a mask. It’s a solid head. And for the life of me, I can’t remember when or why we bought it. I can only assume it was for Halloween. At least, I hope it was…
This has stimulated my desire for travel — thanks! Seychelles and some other country I don’t remember now that I hadn’t heard of stopped by! I’m still waiting for the UAE. My tags that have attracted most people, of course includes ‘ass’, but ‘Facebook IPO’, is up there. I’ve written absolutely nothing on the subject while using it at as a tag — I’ll stop at nothing to lure people in, yuk, yuk!
Glad I’m not the only one who draws in a lot of “ass” traffic. I was beginning to get a complex.
I never knew a place called Seychelles existed. See? You have both informed me and made me smile. A perfect combination.
So funny that you posted this today. Here’s what turned up in my search engine terms yesterday;
wrinkles at 44
jock itch (my own fault)
hot chicks that invigorate the mind
senior woman in spandex jogging pants (love the juxtaposition of the last two)
will pull ups make me short
I can only hope that each searcher found what they were looking for on my site!
And I LOVE the Swedes; Google Analytics show that readers from Sweden spent the longest on my web site (of course, afterwards, I reflected on perhaps it was the language barrier that forced them to stay longer to figure out what I was saying!)
Happy Friday Carrie!
Those are too funny! You may have to deviate from your norm and do a post on search terms that land on a fitness blog. I love that whoever is searching for “hot chicks” wants only those that “invigorate the mind.” That’s progress. And if there is someone out there that really thinks pull-ups will make him/her short, then he or she might want to check out a different blog. One for mental health.
Thanks for dropping by, Tamara. Have a good one yourself!
You read my mind; I’ll be posting about this and some other silly things on Tuesday!
I think you know that I get bizarre traffic with some regularity.
By the way, how many of your readers will be fooled into thinking this “Estonia” is a real country? I saw that episode of Flintstones!
Yes, I imagine the search terms that land people on your site are not fit for public consumption. Mine seem to focus heavily on “butts.” That’s nice.
As for Estonia, it may or may not be real. But after enough Vodka, it really doesn’t matter.
Well, they like big butts and they do not lie–
you other brothers can’t deny!
I’m sure it won’t surprise you to hear that my sons love singing those lines. Especially the “sprung” one. Of course, what does that say about me that they know the lyrics?
“Hiccups” has brought the most people to mine for a single search term. I was VERY curious about “комнатные растения” and “красивые деревья” until I popped them into Google Translate and learned they mean “plants” and “beautiful trees” in Russian. I was hoping for something more intriguing!
Then there are those where I wonder how the heck did that lead to me? Things like “please keep silence” or “mature handwriting” or “which characters in this unit come to see themselves as thinking too much of themselves and not enough of others” or “someone drinking coke looking confused.”
Interestingly, it’s usually days when I either mention Russia or things like Russian names or books in a blog or comment that I get views from the Russian Federation. Hmm…. Is that someone’s job? To search for blogs that mention their country? I think it could be…. Although that doesn’t mean that’s who’s visiting my blog. But it’s an interesting coinidence! And when you consider some of the plot lines in one of my WIPs, you know it makes good inspiration for me!
Talk about Big Brother watching. That’s kind of creepy, actually.
I’m trying to understand why “hiccups” would bring people by your site. And what a weird thing to search for! But regardless, your search engine terms are definitely on a higher plane than the ones I receive. A lot of “butt” searches on mine. Go figure.
It’s tied to the post I did on “When the Muse Raises the Brick Wall.” I’d compared cures for writer’s block to cures for hiccups—whichever one works for you is the one to use. I had a graphic, too, of a bear hiccuping/burping with a carbonated drink and called it “hiccups” when uploading it. You can imagine how disappointed people must be with that search result!
Yes, but maybe it unleashed their writer’s block, and now they’re writing a book about it…
I am huge in Macedonia. Go figure. Macedonia?
My post title “Writing Contest – “Just Do It” Robin” has had a gazillion, well, a couple hundred, hits. I am thinking of doing product placements in every post.
Macedonia? That’s funny. The only hits I’ll get from Macedonia is the U.S. town with that name just a few miles from me.
I just checked out that post you referred to. Product placement. Great idea!
Yeah, Nike should pay me royalties.
Wow, Estonia. That’s impressive. I haven’t checked my international stats in a while… I’ll have to see which countries don’t love me and seek out their approval, stat.
You must post a detailed description of your visit to Estonian torture chambers and what happened when you combined them with a vodka jaunt. Do tell. ; )
Well, I already detailed some of it in the blog post I linked to. Wouldn’t want to be redundant. Well, on the other hand…
You should check out your country stats. It’s fun to see who lands on your blog, but I’m sure in my case, most of them land here unintentionally. But as I’ve always said, I’ll take what I can get.
One strange search term that landed some poor soul on my site “punctuation takes a vacation what is bothering mr wright”. Whatever would be in any post I have ever written that would cause a blog about writing women’s fiction to appear using these search terms. Punctuation? Vacation?
Ha ha! Who would type out such a search? I wonder if they were looking for a particular blog but couldn’t remember the name, so they just typed in a couple blog titles to see if it landed them there.
Thanks for making me smile.
