A Post Of Offal

To any new followers seduced by my earlier teases of blogger propriety,  I apologize for today’s post. But if you enjoy adolescent humor, I encourage you to stick around.

If you’re not familiar with my Awful Offspring Offal, see my About Me page for a quick description. Today’s sweet nuggets include one from each son. Though my youngest lags behind the oldest in offal content, he has amassed an impressive collection lately, which suggests that the seeds of scatology require a period of incubation before sprouting.

Pre-Teen Offal:

During a recent seizure-inducing stroll around the Circus Circus arcade in Las Vegas, an odd thumping besieged my buttocks. Subtle at first, the sensation intensified. I halted and peered behind me. Why, it’s a green blow-up alien doll pecking my tush! The following monotonous chant from my son accompanied this outer-world intimacy:

“Looking for next human anus to probe. Looking for next human anus to probe. Looking for next…”

My dignity has not been seen since.

In addition to my dignity, the extraterrestrial snot took my chair, my bible, and my beer.

Teenager Offal:

While enjoying a family dinner of Chicken Cacciatore and pleasant conversation, surprisingly devoid of penis and poo talk, my fifteen year old shat the following non-sequitur:

“Dad’s head looks like a vagina.”

Um, say what?

Not Mr. Rubin’s head and not a vagina.

My dear Mr. Rubin, I assure you, your head does not resemble a vagina. But obviously, redirection of our educational efforts is urgently needed.

Questions? Answers? Don’t worry. I don’t expect a response. I only hope you’ll be back.

Images other than my butt-probing alien are from Microsoft Clip Art.

For the 0.2% of you who are interested, I’m about half-way through my edits. My editor is kinder on me than I am to myself. I oscillate between thinking, “Hey, my book’s okay” and “Good God, my book stinks.” But I guess that’s what happens when you’ve read something so many times it becomes a permanent stain on your retinas.

106 Responses to “A Post Of Offal”

  1. myfoggymind

    Loved this post, funny as hell. I guess we should be thanking your family too…..lol….

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Thank you! Sometimes I worry about putting some of my sons’ “offal” out there, but then I remember anyone with a teenage boy probably gets it.
      :)

      Thanks for stopping by my blog. I’ll have to check yours out in more detail when I return from my break, where I’m currently in a location that charges me 65 cents a minute for Internet use. Yikes…

      Like

  2. the curtain raiser

    Cool post. I bet we could do a great battle of the Teenage Offal (or should that be tripe?). See ya and raise ya :). The wonders of sons!

    Like

  3. susan sheldon nolen

    Enjoyable post! Love the comments! I can’t wait to hear about your editing process! And of course the tadah!! It’s done and dusted!

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Thank you!–both for the words about my book and for the fact that you lowered yourself to actually comment on this drivel.
      ;)

      Like

      • susan sheldon nolen

        lol…I like it where it’s real! When is the book due? I know that’s a vague question answer, but any ideas? Keep us posted please!!!!

        Like

        • Carrie Rubin

          It’s supposed to be released in September, either on the 1st or the 15th. But I’m sure delays are always possible.

          Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Truer words were never spoken. And now that they know their antics find their way onto my blog, they’ve gotten even weirder. Coincidence? I think not…

      Like

  4. Valentine Logar

    I use to believe my brain needed to be scrubbed after a day with my teen sons. Then I realized, nah they were actually pretty funny and they cleaned it up when I was in the room.

    Can’t wait till you are done with the edits!

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      In need of a brain scrub–that’s a perfect way to describe it.
      :)

      But I agree; like yours, my boys provide good laughs, and they treat their momma well, so all’s good.
      :)

      Like

  5. braintomahawk

    I’ve always been skeptical that aliens built the amazing technology to all this way to check out our plumbing. Then again, our own motivations for things are sometimes even sketchier

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Ha ha–I’ve often thought the same thing. Alien life forms that advanced would surely have a better means of examining our insides.
      :)

      Like

  6. sheilapierson

    I’m always trying to squash the ‘inappropriate’ talk that occurs daily between my boys but I see that I’m fighting a losing battle. Maybe what I should be doing is recording their funny gems and we can have an offal contest some day :)

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      You’re right; there’s no sense fighting it. It comes with the chromosome. The best we can hope for is that they leave it at home and don’t take it out in public. And yes, it’s good to record the gems when they come along. You never know when you’ll have a lack-of-ideas blog day.
      :)

      Like

  7. writerwendyreid

    This post is funny, but probably because I can laugh at someone else having to put up with teen and preteen angst. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt, was ridiculed and told how uncool it is.

    I’m sure your edits aren’t as bad as you think they are. We are our worst critics…or maybe our editors are. Keep your chin up and you’ll get through them.

    And tell Le Clown to stop following me. There’s a word for that. Infatuation. :-P

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      The recommended edits are not bad at all. To be honest, there’s not a lot of red on the manuscript. It’s more me being so picky over every little thing: Oh, I’m using “then” too much; I’m using “was” too much; I need to strengthen this verb; should this comma really go there?–That kind of thing. I’m my own worst enemy.

      As for Le Clown, he’s tricky that way. But then again, anyone who can breastfeed a sock monkey is.
      :)

      Like

      • writerwendyreid

        You are right. I don’t know how I could have forgotten about the monkey. :-)

        Like

  8. Ann Marquez

    Good news! I’m absolutely speechless for a change ;) :D

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Yes, I’m pleased there’s no drastic changes to make in my manuscript. Now, if I could just tame my perfectionism and quit obsessing over every comma and every potentially weak word, I might actually get to sleep at night.
      :)

      Like

      • Ann Marquez

        You poor thing. I know exactly what you mean about the obsessing. But I have no doubt that all of your hard work will pay off and that the book will take off. :D Now get some sleep ;)

        Like

  9. twistingthreads

    I’d say that a boy’s sense of humor gets more refined as he gets older, but the last five years have convinced me otherwise. I had no idea that beef base could be rolled into a um, specimen, and placed on a toilet seat to disturb one’s coworkers, but now that I’ve been enclosed into “one of the guys” mentality of the kitchen, I…WOW. Just, wow. I could start a blog based solely on disturbing, off-color stories. I have to call the food tickets so that my fellow cooks will know what to cook in an obscene fashion, otherwise they’ll tune me out, and I’ll look over ten minutes later and say “How much longer on that chicken fried steak?”, and they’ll gape at me, “What chicken (insert gross reference here)?”. I’m not sure whether to feel violated or simply disturbed by my daily “liberation” from polite society.

    Now that I’ve read what I just wrote, it sounds terrible. Hey, I promise that despite their shenanigans and forms of speech, none of them has ever done anything nasty to a customer’s food. We do have some standards, at least. It’s just that they censor themselves less when “delicate” womenfolk aren’t around. The scary thing is that they’re still censoring…somewhat. I’m glad I don’t know how much weirder this could be.

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      There you go! Thank you for confirming what I’ve suspected. The verbal sewage does not go away once a guy becomes an adult. Even my husband, a very educated man, enjoys trash talking with the boys. It’s something on the Y chromosome, I tell you. Of course, I obviously perpetuate it by blogging about it.
      :)

      You poor dear–surrounded by all of that testosterone. Talk about thickening one’s skin!

      Like

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