I’m a bit out of sorts lately. You see, my baby is away at (American) football camp. For a week. With only a few nights post-vacation spent in his own bed before being whisked away to a hot and humid dorm room, surrounded by pungent teammates with foul mouths, eating food devoid of nutrients, and suffering hour upon hour of daily practice and team-building exercises.
“Well, who gives a crap?” say the Y-chromosome-enhanced individuals reading this post. “Suck it up. That’s what preseason football camp is about.”
At least that’s what Mr. Rubin says. As he lounges in his seventy-three-degree comfort, watching Falling Skies, chomping on pizza and sipping a frosty ale.
But he’s right. I know he is. (Just don’t tell him I said so.) My fifteen-year-old son is over six feet tall—and growing. He chose to play concussion/football despite several highly enjoyable sessions with me discussing injury statistics and heatstroke deaths. I even provided reading materials, though, in retrospect, perhaps a PowerPoint presentation should have been offered.
But my objective pontification failed. Both on my son and Mr. Rubin alike, who nodded sagely at my words while quietly planning his travels for upcoming away games.
I know when I’m outnumbered.
So, today’s post honors my missing—but as of yet, concussion-less—son. I present you with two Awful Offspring Offal gems, the second of which is more offal-lite than usual.
Me, standing at the stove, stirring chili: “Hey sweetie, could you set the table?”
Sweetie teenager, in response: “Mom, I think something’s wrong with my wiener.”
Me, spinning around in horror and concern, chili spattering my shirt: “What do you me—”
Teenager, laughing, a gigantic foam sword hanging from his jeans’ zipper.
Oh, Carrie, when will you ever learn?…
Offal #2, Lite Version:
Teenager, demonstrating support of his mother’s blog: “Hey, Mom, I got a cartoon for you to put on your blog. I think your readers can relate.”
Me, pleased to experience familial interest in my endeavors: “Great, let me see it.”
Ahh, my precious baby. Perhaps a week of football camp would serve him well…
Do your kids play sports? Would you allow your son to play football? Does your family support your blog? Have you ever doused yourself in chili only to be rewarded by a strategically placed sword?