Mr. Nasty Pants Gets Bested By You And Haiku

My pantaloons-challenged fiend has resurfaced. Right on schedule. And although sharing the latest confidence-bashing session feels unprofessional, I promised to blog honestly about my transition into writing. Ya gots ta take the good with the bad.

My Conversation With Mr. Nasty Pants

Mr. NP, feet shuffling and arms pumping in evil anticipation: “Well, Missy, people can soon read your book. You must be glued to the toilet.”

Me: “Well, yes, I do feel as though I’m simmering in a stew of adrenalin. But, you know, that’s the order of things, right?”

Mr. NP: “Sure…sure. But are you prepared for the snickers? For whispers behind your back? For nose pinching and dry heaving and the cough of cruddy prose?”

Me, head suspended between my knees in pre-syncopal grayness: “Um…”

Mr. NP, prancing away: “Oh, good, so you’re aware then. Just checking.”

The Good News

But guess what? Even though my nasty imp pops up like a bloated carcass, I’m learning to dunk him back under. Partly because the situation is now out of my control—the book should surface next week—but mostly because of you. The enthusiastic response to my last blog post surprised, humbled, and thrilled me. Your support turns every verbal turd from Mr. Nasty Pants into a Tootsie Roll—hard to chew but not impossible.

So thank you all very, very much. You made my week and fought off my demons.

Wait, There’s One More Thing

I haven’t posted any Awful Offspring Offal for a while, but today, for something different, I’m going to showcase some Horrible Husband Haiku.

Why Mr. Rubin suddenly decided to scribe haiku is beyond me. Perhaps the penis and poo haiku my boys chanted at dinner a few nights ago birthed his inspiration.

The set-up to Mr. Rubin’s haiku consists of a collection of old towels, long overdue for a date with the trash can. (Note to self: Buy new towels.)

Horrible Husband Haiku

My hair smells like mold

Not because I am old, but

The towels must go

After his enchantment with the first one, he one-upped it with this:

I don’t like to write

It does not cause undo fright

I simply just suck

Supportive blogging buddies and a funny husband. Take that Mr. Nasty Pants.

Have your self-doubt demons visited lately? What helps you beat them away? Ever lost a dental crown in a Tootsie Roll? I did. Do your towels smell moldy? Mine do.

All images from Microsoft Clip Art

137 Responses to “Mr. Nasty Pants Gets Bested By You And Haiku”

  1. Amy Mak

    Funny post and I really liked your last one too! My Nasty Pants surfaces right after I send something off. I got a request for my full manuscript on Friday but I couldn’t bear to send it off until late Sunday. I just wanted to live the dream a few blissful days that an actual agent WANTED me. Mr. Nasty pants says of course she’ll say no. Statistics support Nasty, but I reject him often and keep sending out those queries! :) Thanks for the post.

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Congratulations to you! Having the full manuscript requested is a good sign. Even if the agent ultimately passes on it, the fact that she requested it means your work has merit. I tried to turn those types of rejections into positive ones. Whenever an agent requested more than just my query letter, I took it as a good sign. I wish you luck with your project. Thanks so much for stopping by my blog!

      Like

  2. Madame Weebles

    Mr. Nasty Pants needs to step off. I wonder if he’s related to the shrew who comes around to my place when I’m writing. Probably. We should get them together so they can hook up and leave us alone.

    Like

  3. Marylin Warner

    Your self-talk against mr. nasty pants is a hoot…and very effective. But the husband and towel-inspired Haiku (and especially your sons’ references) should remind you that you have it all, or at least everything that matters!

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Very, very true. Luckily, that’s why Mr. Nasty Pants never hangs around too long. I know what’s most important, and the rest pales in comparison. But he’s still a nuisance.
      :)

      Like

  4. Katie

    Self doubt? No, I just doubt anyone else will get how awesome I am at everything, including messing up ;)
    The washing machine gets an occasional dose of vinegar for less smelly results.

    Like

  5. acflory

    lol – I have my self-doubt chained to the wall of the oubliette but on still nights I can still hear him moaning about how self-deluded I am. It’s amazing how far sound will travel when it’s dark and quiet. :)

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      That sounds like the perfect place for self-doubt. Of course, I had to look up the word ‘oubliette’ before I could say that. Always learning something new, I am. Thanks for furthering my education.
      :)

      Like

  6. Elliot

    Props to your husband for giving it a go. The first one is definitely the best one for me. Mildew towels remind me of a hotel on my wife and I’s honeymoon road trip (well that one more of a B & B really). Upon entering the room we heard “High quality humping”, not in the room I should add. Then there was mildew towels which did not, a nice face wash make. Or dry. This likely puts you in mind of one of those movie, rent by the hour motels, but the rest of it was good / fine.

    Anyhoo, ignore those demons, best to just get on with it. That’s what I tell me, and it mostly works.

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Ha ha! My husband and I had a scary B&B experience once, too, though luckily no moldy towels. That was also when I learned B&Bs weren’t meant for introverts.
      :)

      Thanks for stopping by! I know you are somewhat on a ‘break.’

      Like

  7. Joanna Aislinn

    Yes, Carrie, some of my towels have adopted that oh so favored scent of mold, mildew or both? Mr. NP might be hanging out at my house these days and getting in the way of my aspirations. Bad, Mr . NP, bad!

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      I’m sorry to hear that. I always wondered where that ugly dude went when he wasn’t harassing me. He belongs with my mildewy towels in the trash.
      :)

      Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      He is, and I just realized I should have probably called it Husband’s Horrible Haiku, because the way I’ve written it, it sounds like my husband is horrible. Which he isn’t.
      ;)

      Like

  8. harperfaulkner

    Your husbands haikus are the only ones I have ever understood! Thank him for me. HF

    Like

  9. starlaschat

    Ah good ol Mr. Nasty Pants long time no see. I’m not surprised as you are getting close to your book release. I’m glad that your last post brought you encourgment and comfort. It was such a fun idea for a post but very difficult to sum up a person in one word.

    I think being aware of Mr. NP is really helpful seeing him for what he is and not letting him go on and on for days at a time. :+)I think it takes away some of the power. Kinda of like me working through some of my fears. Just being aware really helps and then I can change my self talk to more encouraging and helpful.

    Good job on the hubby writing a Haiku. :+) I wouldn’t even attempt a Haiku.

    Like

  10. Kourtney Heintz

    I do have a fix for moldy towels…Wash them with Borax and detergent. The Borax gets rid of the moldy smell. I don’t know how exactly it works but it works.

    When the agent came back with massive POV rewrites, I seriously cringed. Not because they weren’t necessary, but because I doubted my ability to do it. But I just decided to try and that made it possible. :)

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      I’m a firm believer that anything can be tackled in baby steps. Some things are too overwhelming to bite off whole. So if I start with little pieces I can usually overcome those self-doubts (like POV rewrites).
      :)

      And thanks for the towel tip! Of course, they are faded and ratted, so a new towel splurge wouldn’t kill me, but who knows when I might need that Borax again?
      :)

      Thanks, Kourtney!

      Like

  11. Polly Robinson

    Ever wondered whether editors and publishers have their own Mr Nasty Pants lurking? They’ve put their faith in you, endorsed your work, supported you in all those amends, they haven’t done it for nothing!

    So glad to see you’ve given him a good booting.

    Congrats to Mr Rubin on his hilarious haikus and for besting old Mr NP :)

    Can’t wait for that BOOK! xx

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Great point about editors and publishers. I hadn’t thought about it that way. Guess their name is on the book as well.
      :)

      Luckily Mr. Rubin isn’t making a transition into writing alongside me, but he did enjoy his brief foray into the world.

      Thanks, Polly!

      Like

  12. writerwendyreid

    Give Mr. Nastypants a kick in the behind for me, will ya?
    Can’t wait for your book to come out.
    It’s no wonder you have a great sense of humor…you seem to be surrounded by it!

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Well, if you can’t laugh at life, what can you do? Luckily, we all share that philosophy in this household. And we also all suck at haiku.

      I will keep kicking that self-doubt basher’s fanny. Despite his best efforts, he still can’t overpower my excitement nor my peaceful glow from finally doing what I’ve always wanted to do.
      :)

      As always, Miss Wendy, thanks for coming by. (And please don’t look at how horrible I did at the first Canadica challenge. I could identify Harper and that was about it. And I lived in Canada for 5 years as a child! Of course, if they had shown an Aero bar, I would have been all over that.)
      :)

      Like

  13. doncarroll

    that was incredibly funny, but yet know the score and reason behind it. i had self-doubt creep in 3 years ago and quit writing altogether. fortunately after buying some major hi-fidelity sound for my place and lacing the cd tray with the rock group rush is when i picked up the pen. that was back in february. so far so good since then.

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Glad to hear you got your mojo back. Some self-doubt can be good, but too much can hinder our creativity–or at least our desire to create–just as you point out. Thanks for stopping by and commenting, and reminding me I am not alone with these esteem-bashing thoughts.

      Wow–I haven’t listened to Rush in a while. Maybe that’s just the boost I need.
      :)

      Like

      • doncarroll

        a little self doubt can be good. it keeps you honest. by all means get that rush out. they have inspired me since i was a teen:)

        Like

          • doncarroll

            that’s cool. trent reznor grew up not so far away from me in mercer pa. i like his newer stuff better though. it’s not quite as dark. say like “the hand that feeds” i think i got that title right. yep tom sawyer is definitely a great track:)

            Like

            • Carrie Rubin

              Yeah, I like the newer Nine Inch stuff, too. But I’m probably what bands hate–I go to iTunes and just download the songs I like, rarely the entire album. The last full album I downloaded was Eddie Vedder.

              Like

  14. Perfecting Motherhood

    Congratulations, you’ve inspired your husband to become a writer too! OK, seriously, I hope he keeps his day job. :-)

    As for doubts, unless you’re so anxious, you can’t function, I think they’re healthy and remind you that you’re human. And just remember, as humans, we all have different tastes. Some books people are raved about, I couldn’t stand finishing them (5o shades of grey, anyone). There has to be something for everyone. I don’t know how much of your own promotion you need to make, but I’d think you’d promote your book to people who like the literature genre your book fits in. Why advertise it to people who would never read that genre, right? Marketing 101: know your audience.

    As for personal doubts, yep, I’ve had plenty recently and some days are better (or worse) than others. But I keep thinking, in the end, everything will be fine. Remember Bob Marley’s Three Little Birds, “every little thing gonna be alright”.

    Like

    • Carrie Rubin

      Oh, yes, that’s a good song. Thanks for linking to it. I will bookmark it so that I can listen to it everytime that self-doubt creeps in.
      :)

      I know it’s normal, and even healthy, to have the self-doubts, but they still can reek havoc on one’s stomach. But I never claimed to write a big literary novel. My goal was hopefully a good story for fans of that genre to enjoy–just as you point out. You are so wise. AND you’ve made me feel better.
      :)

      Thanks, as always for your wise words and insights!

      Like

      • Perfecting Motherhood

        You’re welcome! I think the only way to get rid of self-doubt is to have other people give you comforting words because our own selves can’t do that. Self-doubt only leads to inertia and that’s an awful state to be in. I know, because I’ve found myself there too many times recently! I keep working on my photo blog but it’s taking me a very long time because I always find “something else” to do, since I don’t know how I’ll make my photos famous. I think I need to slap myself sometimes!

        Like

        • Carrie Rubin

          Well, then, I will keep looking at your photos and keep praising them to keep you from that inertia! Your photos are so vivid. I’m waiting to get my calendar to hang on my wall: Milka’s Photography Marvels. (Although I suspect you can come up with a much better title than that. My brain’s a little shot right now.)
          :)

          Like

          • Perfecting Motherhood

            Argh, that calendar, I’m missing my window of opportunity! Well, maybe I can put a great one together and advertise it my blog PM blog, as well as my photo blog even if that blog is still in progress. Gee, now you’ve got me thinking…

            Like

            • Carrie Rubin

              Oh, you should. Just start with 12 photos for a calendar. Get it up by mid-November on your PM site, and it will be in perfect time for Christmas gift buying. Of course, then you have to set up Pay Pal and all, but I suspect that’s child’s play for you.

              Ooh, I’m sounding kind of bossy. What’s gotten into me?…

              Like

          • Perfecting Motherhood

            Actually I have an account on Zazzle, since most of the photo media I want is available there. So I could create my store and make the calendar the first item. They handle the ordering, printing and shipping for me. Gosh, I feel like such an idiot for not thinking about this. You’re brilliant!!!

            Like

            • Carrie Rubin

              Well, I know I would buy some for gifts. Everyone needs a calendar. And looking at pretty photos would be much better than looking at the school one that hangs on my wall now.
              :)

              Like

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