The Write Transition

From One Life Chapter To The Next

Archive for the category “Entertainment”

10 May 2012
93 Comments

A Mouthful Of Uglies

Let’s start today’s post with a short quiz, shall we?

A. Streptococcus mutans, Porphyromonas gingivalis, Bacteroides gingivalis, Treponema denticola, Fusobacterium nucleatum, and corynebacteria are:

  1. Aliens inhabiting the planet Ifyouchoosethisansweryouareanidiot.
  2. Children with dreadful name-picking parents.
  3. Politicians who have sexted images of their genitals. Twice.
  4. Disease-producing organisms commonly found in the mouth.

B. You should share these critters by pre-masticating food and thrusting the disgusting blob into a defenseless child’s mouth:

  1. True
  2. False

If you answered 4 and 2 respectively, you are one step ahead of Alicia Silverstone. Yes, this video is old news, but as with most things horrifying, I tucked it away for future use. So if you failed to view the terror flick last month—because you were too busy actually living a life—I encourage you to click the link and view it now. Go ahead. We’ll wait.

After this oral feast aired, public outcry poured, though most of it centered on Momma. “How could she do that? What was she thinking? That’s so gross.” Today, however, I’d like to present the pre-verbal infant’s side in this animalistic feed.

Dear Mommy,

I know you love me. I love you, too. But I don’t love your dental disease. Or your sore throat pathogens. And it’s really—oh, wait, is that a Herpes lesion I see on your lip? Oh, Mommy, those hurt. Please don’t give me oral Herpes. I guess that ulcer could be Coxsackie, you know, the virus that causes Hand, Foot, and Mouth disease. I hear there’s a particularly nasty strain circulating. So maybe—and, you know, I’m just spitballing here—maybe you could try using a blender and spoon instead, like all of the other nice mommies.

Sincerely,

Baby Silver

I know a little something of which I speak. You see, I’ve experienced a similar oral horror. No, my mother did not feed me that way. At least I hope she didn’t. Sadly, this trauma comes courtesy of my husband.

Years ago, before Mr. Rubin understood the true entity that is Carrie, he committed an unthinkable act, one that still makes me shudder and quake like Bruce Banner on the verge of his Hulk-dom. In an inexplicable move, my Y-chromosome mate used my toothbrush. My toothbrush! The same bristles that scrub my Type A, never-share-a-cup, on-the-cusp-of-a-germaphobe chompers.

What was his pitiable defense? He couldn’t find his; he didn’t think I would notice; we’re husband and wife. Well, the good man knows better now. Boy, does he ever. Because Carrie is so very. As a sensitive introvert, I detect smells and annoying tactile sensations that normal people might not.

And I’m telling you, my toothbrush smelled and tasted differently.

You don’t believe me? Well, you should. Besides, if the smell hadn’t clued me in, the big chunk of food hubby left behind sure as hell did…

Nothin’ says lovin’ like foodstuff in the scrubbin’…

So what about you? Would you ever share a toothbrush? Use the same spoon? Enjoy someone else’s chewed up food? Lick a hotel wall?

All images from Microsoft Clip Art except the peas-and-carrot toothbrush which is compliments of me.

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30 Apr 2012
120 Comments

A Beautiful Contradiction

Image credit: Microsoft Clip Art

Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful.

You see, I’ve received the Beautiful Blogger Award by the witty, charming, and beautiful I Mayfly. This may or may not be her real name, but if it is, she has my sympathy. On the other hand, her parents have my stink eye.

The rules are simple. All I need to do is express my gratitude to my lovely insect friend (thank you, I Mayfly!) and pass the honor to other bloggers. For those of you who enjoy rules and order, I have included the award regulations at the end of this post.

Absent from these rules is any requirement I divulge personal information about myself, a gift for which we are all grateful. But I have to give you something, no? And since it won’t be my chocolate, I’ll need an alternative. And yes, I like to start sentences with conjunctions. And no, I don’t care if The Elements of Style tells me I shouldn’t. But yes, I do care what you think. So yes, I’ll stop if you want me to.

So what to do? What to do? What ties into the theme of beautiful blogger?

This could be me, but there's no chocolate smeared around her mouth, so it must not be. (Image credit: Microsoft Clip Art)

Got it!

The sexy/ugly game, of course!

Years ago, my sister and I enjoyed a sincere but cruel game of sexy/ugly. This involves naming a celebrity who’s ugly but at the same time sexy. A Google canoodle the other day assured me I wasn’t the only one to play this game, but my search was cursory. As a science gal, I never want to introduce bias.

I’ll admit, I hesitated about this post, because I don’t enjoy poking fun at others unless they deserve it. But then I realized the soon to be mentioned celebrities have armpit hair more important than me, and any hurt feelings generated by my adolescent musings would be more than compensated by their mansions, pool floaties, and well-dressed pooches.

So here goes. My list of sexy/ugly is:

David Bowie—Not only sexy and ugly but hip as well. A triple threat.

Angelica Huston—A face like a drag queen but sexy as hell.

Billy Bob Thornton—Introspective and he sports vials of blood.

Sandra Bernhard—An apt surname given that prominent proboscis and gap-toothed grin can both burn and make… (Oh, now I really apologize for that last one.)

Tommy Lee Jones—A younger Tommy Lee Jones, not the current Shar-pei version.

Image credit: dogbreedworld.net

Mick Jagger—Maroon 5 didn’t make a song about those gyrating hips for nothing.

Steven Tyler—Best. Accessorizer. Ever. Just stay away from that mouth. It’s big enough to eat you.

Sam Shepard—Rugged and manly. But don’t Google his 2009 mug shot unless you’re hankering for a shudder.

Joan Cusack—Hmmm, I guess I’ll let you be the judge on this one. Might be too mom-ish for some.

The Hangover Monkey—Come on, you know it’s true.

Image credit: mediagallery.usatoday.com

So there you have it. Evidence once again of an education gone wrong. The astute among you will notice the list contains more men than women (and believe me, I had to scrounge for those women) and too many lily-white visages. Might this be because ugly white men can make it in Hollywood easier than their less comely female and ethnic colleagues? I’ll skip the social commentary, but just saying…

So who are your sexy/uglies? If you are too dignified to answer, then I am interested in your opinion on solving the U.S. health care crisis, a discussion on the fragility of the current global economy, or the solution to unsustainable oil production. What’s that? You’ll stick with the sexy/ugly? Thought so.

*     *     *

The rules for the Beautiful Blogger Award are:

1. Thank the person who gave you the award
2. Paste the award on your blog
3. Link the person who nominated you for the award
4. Nominate your choice of bloggers
5. Post links to the blogs you nominated

As you can see, there is no specified number of victims to pass the award on to. Therefore, I gift it to everyone. Feel free to accept it and paste it onto your own blog or not. A cop out, you say? Perhaps. But such inclusiveness is my appreciation to everyone who has clicked my follow button. Because to me, that really is beautiful…

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24 Jan 2012
12 Comments

Pixies and Beefcakes? Not in “Haywire”.

This past weekend my husband and I saw the movie Haywire, starring Gina Carano, a former mixed-martial arts fighter and American Gladiator star. Given her résumé, I think it is fairly obvious this was not a rom-com. The movie was about a deceived black ops soldier who seeks serious payback. Whether you are a fan of action movies or not, I imagine this flick would please anyone of the female persuasion.

Photo credit: NBC.com

It is not just because men get their asses kicked. It is because they get them kicked so convincingly. Don’t get me wrong. I do not condone violence against men any more than I do against women. But it is the movies, after all. A place where we revel in seeing the good guy beat up the bad guy.

My hackles rise, however, when the good guy is a lithely-toned pixie and the bad guy a brawny beefcake. Not only is it horrifying to see a woman get slugged by a brute twice her size, it is ridiculous to believe she can ultimately overtake him. Along with three of his buddies. All of whom seem to be waiting, legs crossed, hands politely folded, until it is their turn to face her wrath. This is mighty kind of them, allowing the heroine to deposit their rumps, one-by-one, into the defeat pile.

Photo credit: Microsoft Clip Art

Oh, you’ve come a long way baby. Now maybe we can desensitize the masses. “See, girls can fight just like the boys!”

Well, no, they can’t. According to a Livestrong.com article, women have 20-40% less muscle mass than men, and although women are capable of achieving similar gains in strength as men, relative to their own muscle mass, they will not achieve the same gains in absolute strength, meaning they will put out about two-thirds the physical power of men. If you would like to read the original source of this information, “The Adaptations to Strength Training” by Foland and Williams, by all means, click on the link and do so. Just be prepared for some big words.

And really, do we need a scientific study to tell us that? Though I suspect it might surprise you, neither my husband nor I have much in the way of street fighting skills. Still, I’m pretty sure if we went one-on-one against each other, his seven-inch (and I’m speaking of height here, people), eighty-pound advantage would result in my defeat.

Photo credit: Microsoft Clip Art

So, now that I have contradicted myself—yes, I loved the film; no, I do not like seeing women beat up—what exactly is my point?

1) I do not like seeing any man hit a woman; not in movies and certainly not in real life.

2) I worry that images of men and women fighting will lessen the natural revulsion that should occur when a man punches a woman (and yes, I understand the double standard implied here, but that is a topic for another post.)

3) I am not implying women are incapable of being strong fighters. Quite the contrary. Many of whom could make both my husband and I cry “uncle” before the first roundhouse. BUT, if we are to view images of men and women fighting, then let’s keep it fair. The “pick on someone your own size” adage should apply. For example, seeing Zoe Saldana take on Daniel Radcliffe (sorry, Harry Potter dude) could be believable. Seeing her challenge Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson—not so much. On the other hand, seeing Gina Carano take down the likes of Ewan McGregor, with her experience, muscles, and skill? VERY believable, so much so that I imagine a mass shrinkage from walnuts to peanuts occurred in the male audience. (And if you don’t get that metaphor, kudos to you. Your mind functions on a higher plane than mine.)

Photo credit: Claudette Barius

So, Hollywood, keep the realistic action movies coming (or at least, theoretically realistic). Boys, be nice to girls. Girls, be nice to boys. But in the meantime, be on the look-out for Gina. I suspect there is more to come in this lovely woman’s future.

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