The Write Transition

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Archive for the category “Publishing”

Why I Will Never Have A Bestseller

There are two reasons I will never write a bestseller. Well, actually, there are more reasons than there are cockroaches, but there are only two I will mention today.

Failure #1

The first is, I cannot write about children killing children. Both the mother in me as well as my pediatric background preclude this. Now, a book about reality stars fighting to their deaths? That I could do, but you might be surprised by my chosen victor.

Not the gang from Survivor, though they are the obvious choice, what with all that back-stabbing and food-foraging experience.

Not the Kardashian women, because, well, I’ve promised never to devote more than twenty words biannually to them.

So who, then?

The Dancing with the Stars crew, of course.

Photo credit: dailyworldpress.com

Wait. Don’t be so quick to discredit them. First of all, those pretty fighters could douse their enemies in self-tanner. Not only does this yield brightly visible orange foes, but the dancers could smell the chemically-enhanced scoundrels a mile away (assuming the Argentinian-waltzers refrain from the oompa-loompa spray themselves). Plus, those three-inch stilettos could make for a lethal weapon. And the women’s shoes would be good, too.

Furthermore, on a sunny day, when one of those Kardashian girls sashays by (damn, 13 more words devoted to them), a properly positioned, sequined dancer could blind his opponent with the glare; fling his arms through a manly Port De Bras, thereby whipping the unsuspecting Kardashian in the chin; and land the final coup de grâce by cha cha-ing into a strong roundhouse kick, which, although technically not a ballroom dance move, would serve a useful purpose in my proposed novel, “The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games.”

Not going to happen, you say? I know. Thus concludes reason number one why I won’t be able to pen a bestseller.

Failure #2

The second reason will be self-explanatory shortly.

Recently, I was tagged for the Lucky 7 Meme by the lovely writer Sheila Pierson, who, by the way, happens to be one of nicest social medialites out there. The idea of this blogging game is to share a bit of your work-in-progress (WIP) for others to laugh a—er, I mean, enjoy. Then you pass it on to seven other writers to see how red-faced you can make them. It’s a game of wills, really. Kind of like The Quick-Steppin’ Cha Cha Games.” (I’ll win you over yet.)

The rules:

1. Go to page 77 of your current MS/WIP
2. Go to line 7
3. Copy down the next 7 lines, sentences, or paragraphs, and post them as they’re written.
4. Tag 7 writers and let them know.

I cannot present seven paragraphs of my medical thriller, because page 77 of the manuscript reveals an important plot twist. I am not that much of an idiot. So I chose seven lines. Actually, it’s nine. Sue me. You will anyway if you pay for and read my book. Might as well get it over with now.

My selected bits…

Sydney licked her lips and steeled her nerves, reminding herself of what she might find, of the questions she would finally get answered. It wasn’t like these were normal times she was living in. People were dying all around her. She hadn’t had a full night sleep or an acceptable meal or a breath of fresh air for days. If Casper had an answer, Sydney was determined to find it. Desperate even.

Do it!

Sydney took a big breath, then knocked softly. She didn’t want to draw attention to herself, but she also didn’t want to find someone on the other side.

No response. She tried again, daring to tap a little louder.

…As I mentioned earlier, the above reason for lack of a bestseller is self-explanatory. Notice the use of passive tense. Guess I’ve got some tweeking to do.

Now, for the seven writers with whom I would like to share this horror (and if you’ve already experienced it, then just ignore me):*

JJ Kearbey

Moments of Clarity GM  Barlean

Audrey Kalman

JM McDowell

Joy in the Moments

Stacie Chadwick

Kourtney Heintz

And if any of you tagged would like to cha cha right up to my Gravatar face and slap me silly, feel free. Just be careful with the nose. It’s already been broken once.

A final note…

I need to conclude this post with an important message for whoever keeps landing on my site by searching for “Will Smith Nudo”. Listen up, weirdo:

You will not find him on this bloggo. I am not a perverto. Well, that is debatablo. But he’s still not hero. So go look somewhere elso.

That is all. Thank you for coming.

Cartoon images from Microsoft Clip Art

*The main issue I have with these blogger awards and tags is I feel bad if I leave someone out. It is never my intention, just my aging neurons that spark omissions. As for today, I included those bloggers I know have a work-in-progress. There may be others, and I’m sorry if I forgot you. On the other hand, you should probably be grateful.

And You Can’t Call Me Babs…

Credit: Microsoft Clip Art

Happy! Happy! Happy!

In my ridiculous excitement for this post, I backflipped in the air three times, twirled a triple axel, and landed in a crotch-thumping leg split. Of course, I’m now sporting a full-body cast and will bear no more children, but no worries. I’m old, anyway.

You see, today I will review the book Entrapped by Barbara Kyle, a respected, published author with hundreds of thousands of book sales. Which no doubt begs the question:

What in the hell is she doing on my blog?

The only possibility I can fathom is that eight years ago, I consulted Barbara (or Babs as I like to call her; well, okay, I asked if I could call her that, but she said Ms. Kyle would be fine) for a manuscript critique of my novel, the one supposedly coming out this fall. I imagine after she had a hearty laugh, she took pity on me, and not only did she help fine tune my manuscript, she filed my name in her “watch out for these ones” restraining order folder. You know, just in case I ever tracked her down again. Which I did. Through Twitter. (Surprise, Babs!)

Since then, I’ve scoured her website, viewed her excellent online video seminar “Writing Fiction That Sells”, and included her website on my blog under “Helpful Writing Resources.” The woman cannot escape me. So I suppose she came to the only logical conclusion: If you can’t beat the crazies, you might as well join them.

She has even agreed to give away TWO signed copies of Entrapped to two lucky commenters! Told you she was cool.

Oh, and quick disclaimer here. If my novel sucks, don’t blame Barbara. She did the best she could with the scraps she received. She never saw the final version and has no idea what end-result monster I created.

Who is Barbara Kyle?

Barbara was a successful actress in Canada who later transitioned into writing. (And believe me, she’ll need those acting skills when she pretends to like this blog post.) Since then, she has published four books of historical fiction (the Tudor-era Thornleigh Series) as well as contemporary thrillers including Entrapped and The Experiment. I also believe she published a thriller when she was a man. Oh, excuse me, I meant to say, she published a novel under a male pseudonym (wink, wink, Babs; your secret is safe with me.)

"Entrapped" by Barbara Kyle (from: barbarakyle.com)

Entrapped is an engrossing thriller that pits oil company against angry Alberta farmer.

Liv Gardner, a Harvard-trained lawyer, is engaged to Mickey Havelock, a charismatic oilman. Together they run Falcon Energy, a small oil and gas company, whose survival, along with that of the rural Alberta town its industry supports, is threatened by farmer Tom Wainwright, a single father desperate to preserve his land. As such, Tom sabotages the company’s equipment and operations in a series of explosions and other mishaps, though the law cannot prove his guilt.

Determined to expose Tom as the saboteur, Liv goes undercover in the community, posing as a paralegal for the town’s lawyer. But once inside Tom’s inner circle, her feelings for the grieving, protective father change, and the choosing of sides becomes murky. Adding to Liv’s trouble is Chris, Liv’s dependent, schizoaffective sister, whose personal limitations may prove too much for Liv to handle. Unfortunately, Liv doesn’t wade through the emotional muck in time, and because of an unscrupulous act on her part, Tom’s life and that of his daughter might be destroyed forever.

From page one, I vanished into this story. Not only did I feel all besties with Liz and the other characters, I was pretty sure I was in freaking Alberta. And for that I was grateful, because having spent five years in Saskatchewan as a child when my mother decided to impersonate a Canadian, I found Alberta much more visually pleasing. And my apologies to any Saskatchewanians. I’m not saying your province is ugly. I’m saying it was ugly where I lived.

To be more professional, the characters in Entrapped are richly drawn, the setting artfully described, and the subject matter well-researched. The plot is tight and suspenseful, and if you’re crusty like me, you’ll tell your kids to leave you the hell alone while you’re reading it. (Just kidding, Babs, oops, I mean Ms. Kyle. I’m really a pretty decent mom. But I’d be better if you’d stop writing such terrific books.)

So, for those of you who are a little thick-headed (and I include myself in that category), allow me to summarize.

  • I loved (!) this book.
  • I highly recommend it.
  • I will definitely read more from Bab—um, Ms. Kyle.
  • I think you will, too.

Oh, and please remember to comment for the chance to win one of two autographed copies! It would be a real treat to win this gem. Plus, I love seeing your cute little heads in those comment boxes. On March 6, I will use Random.org to randomly select the two winners and post an announcement that day.

But feel free to send me chocolate bribes, anyway.

A big, big thank you to Barbara for being such a good sport  and for putting up with my shenanigans. Maybe she’s the one who deserves the chocolate! And for the record, she never said I couldn’t call her Babs–I made that up–though I suspect she wants to now…

Cartoon images from Microsoft Clip Art

Update 3/6/2012:

The contest is now closed. To view the winners, see Two Winners And A Searching Soul.

The Piggy Who Hogtied The Author

A few months ago, SAS code, multiple regression, and epidemiologic computations colored my world, though admittedly, the hue was a little gray. Shuffle forward five rainbow-paletted months, and here I am interviewing an author on my blog, a concept as foreign to me then as non-parametric testing may be to you now.

Sure, I’m still a lost little piggy. But at least I’m a peaceful little piggy, snorting and stomping my way through the mud.

And with that analogy, can you imagine G. M. Barlean (a.k.a. Gina), a lovely woman, supportive of my blog from the start, dared venture anywhere near my drivel-filled trough? But here she is! Just ignore the ropes dangling from my laptop. I had to tie the woman up. Oh, come on, you didn’t think she’d come willingly, did you?

And now that I have both your and Gina’s attention (What’s that, Gina? The binding is too tight? Oh, toughen up.), I want to tell you about her recently published book, the wonderful “Casting Stones”. This will be followed by a few questions, which I assure you, will be of the utmost literary quality.

Gina has also agreed to mail a signed copy of her book to a lucky recipient. The winner will be the nth commenter equal to the number of times I’ve eaten chocolate in the past month. If the comments fall below that, not only will I be sad, but I will change the winner to the nth commenter equal to the number of times I’ve eaten spinach in the past month (I will announce the winner in a post update on 2/26/12 and notify him or her by email).

Clear as an acne-prone teenager’s complexion? Good.

"Casting Stones" gmbarlean.com

“Casting Stones” is a dramatic story, set in rural Nebraska and Missouri in the 1920s through the 1940s. It is “a story about struggle and survival, retribution and redemption”, where a split-second error sends farmer James Raven’s life into a spiral of heartache, cruelty, and despair. Central to this good man’s pain and that of his child is the harshly raised, bitter and vengeful Esther Barton, a wicked woman who might very well be an ancestor of my own Mr. Nasty Pants. With each page, the reader sinks deeper into the story, anticipating the blood shed most certainly to come.

Oh, hang on a second.

What did you say, Gina? Oh, your wrist binds are just fine. Blue is a healthy color for hands.

So where was I? Oh, for more detail of “Casting Stones”and a chance to meet the main characters in a creative, short story prelude, you will want to visit Gina’s website.

Now, before I untie Gina, allow me a brief interrogation.

Me: Gina, welcome to my blog. I am very pleased to host you! You’re comfortable, yes?

Gina: Certainly. Sitting on a cold cement floor in a dark room whilst bound with twine is always such a joy. So very delighted you decided to remove the gag from my     mouth.      

Me: Well, I’m a softie at heart. So, first of all, I notice you reside in Nebraska. Growing up in North Dakota, I experienced many misconceptions about the state. For example, “Do you have swimming pools there?” Any misconceptions about Nebraska? Or have you been too hidden in the cornfields to notice?

Gina: Once upon a time, I left the cornfield long enough to work as the director of my community’s Chamber of Commerce. A new business came to town from the metropolis of Omaha (all the New Yorkers are laughing at that designation for Omaha), and the young woman representing the business seemed proud of me for having a copy machine. She said, “Hey, good job!” I thought that was pretty funny. I remember thinking, That’s just what I needed today – office machine confirmation from a 28-year old who can barely stop texting long enough to ask me if there was some way to make copies in “this” town. Yes. We have all of the basic modern conveniences.

Another misconception is that there isn’t anything to see when driving through the state on I-80. That’s not true. I challenge you to drive through Kansas and then get back to me. By comparison, we’re quite colorful.

Blog moderator’s note: Sorry, Kansans.

Me: As described above, Esther Barton is quite the baddie. In fact, she brings to mind another classy dame, Miss Good Old Hobbling Annie Wilkes from Stephen King’s “Misery”. So I’m curious. Esther and Annie enter a ring. Who comes out?

Gina: Oh. I always bow to Mr. King. His mind is creepily delicious. BUT…in Esther’s defense, I think she would be a hair puller and a biter. Annie would rely more on tools to do her dirty work. Annie is the bigger of the two, but Esther’s wiry, and she’s used to taking a beating both mentally and physically.

Here is what the two have in common: they are both painfully unaware they are a few inches off plumb. They have this peculiar confidence in their own insanity. Esther isn’t as smart as Annie, though. Esther’s anger – in her mind – is justified by the belief system pounded into her brainwashed gray matter. Her brand of faith doesn’t bless her with God’s approval, of course.

I think Annie and Esther would fight long and hard. The ring would be strewn with snatches of hair and bits of torn clothing. They’d certainly both be bloody and bruised, and I believe Esther would probably lose a few teeth in the process of biting Annie’s tough hide. If Esther won, it would only be because Annie got all sentimental about a story or something. Esther has no time for weaknesses like that. So I’d think we could totally run bets on this fight and make serious ching. In the end, I believe they’d both crawl from the arena like crocodiles slithering up onto the land. They’d turn and salute, deeming each other a worthy opponent.

Blog moderator’s note: If you would like more of this mental image, watch some “Women in Prison” films.

Misery's Annie Wilkes (credit: TheFilmExperience.net)

Me: In the inevitable movie version of ‘Casting Stones’, what actor would play James?

Gina: Jeff Bridges. I just love that guy. I mean, how do you not love The Big Lebowski?! But, what I really like about him is how he can change his look and the way he plays a character to be just what the role requires. I loved him in the new version of True Grit. Bawled like a baby when they had to kill the poor horse. He’d have to dye his hair dark though. James has dark brown hair. I don’t know how we’d make Jeff young. The story starts with James young and ends with him as a middle-aged man. I originally thought Joaquin Phoenix for the part. He’d be a good choice, too.

Me: In the novel I’m working on now—or rather, not working on now seeing as how I have you captive in my lair—the surname of one of my characters is Barton, just like your villainous Esther. Do you think we telepathically communicated?

Gina: That has to be it. I mean…coincidence? Pshaw. I hardly doubt it! Probably a Midwestern thing we got goin’ on.

Me: Or maybe we’re both just weirdos. Anyway, Esther’s crankiness got me thinking. Spanx weren’t around in her time, and I believe petticoats were passé. So why is she so darn tight-assed and mean?

Gina: Yeah. That would be the years of manipulation and abuse at her father’s hands. It takes the wind right out of a gal’s sails. She never learned how to cope and she’s always judging others…but ultimately, like most judgmental people, they’re really avoiding facing their own failings.

Well, these certainly look comfy. (credit: Nordstroms.com)

Me: Do you think a little action would’ve improved her mood?

Oh, don’t shrug your hogtied arms and wave those gangrenous fingers at me; you know exactly what I’m implying.

Me: Okay, okay, I’ll retract that last question. But before I release Miss Gina, er, I mean, say good-bye, I’d like to allow her the opportunity to add any other details about her book which might interest the readers. You know, in a more dignified manner. See, I’m no heartless Esther.

Gina: Readers tell me they find the book to be an emotional roller coaster, a quick read, and hard to put down. I warn you, it is a sad story. I think the end resolves issues in a way I hope will make the reader think about when wrong is right and when sin is justified. Mostly, I hope the reader catches the underlying idea of judgment being, not only, something that can tear others down, but also, erodes your own potential as well.

I think the reader can obviously see how ugly judgment looks on Esther and Jonas, but will the reader see who makes the final and ultimate judgment? Blood is spilt and the ultimate sin doesn’t come from Esther or Joe. We all judge each other, although none of us have the right to do so. Why is Esther’s casting of stones so much less tolerable? I’d be interested to hear readers opinions.

Ouch. That gave me a headache. Or…my restraints are too tight and I don’t have enough oxygen flowing to my brain.

Wah, wah; go cry to Momma.

So there you have it, dear bloggees. “Casting Stones” by G. M. Barlean. Despite my horrible (or, if you will, innovative) interviewing skills, I recommend this page-turning read, dramatic and emotional, disturbing yet uplifting. And by uplifting, I mean you will embrace your family and rejoice in the clan you’ve been given.

And please don’t forget to leave a comment for a chance to win an autographed copy of the novel. I truly love and appreciate hearing from you. In fact, why don’t you share with us your favorite female villain!

Good-bye Gina. You are free to go. Hey, don’t give me that look! You knew perfectly well what you were getting into!

My thanks to Gina for being such a good sport! :)

Cartoon credits: Microsoft Clip Art

Every Which Way But Traditional

Photo credit: Microsoft Clip Art

Oh, how times have changed. When I first submitted my manuscript eight years ago, the consensus was pretty much traditional publisher or bust. Certainly, e-books from small, independent publishers were gaining recognition, but self-publishing was still met with a smirk and an eye roll. Fast forward to today, where traditional publishers are playing catch-up in the e-book revolution. There’s even the motivating success stories of those who self-published only to be scooped up by a traditional publisher later.

Although I suspect most writers would love to do the two-step with a traditional publisher, it is wonderful to see so many independently-published authors finding success.

Personally, I held on to antiquated notions too long. I sought traditional publishing or nothing, as this was the word from those who knew. No secret then why my manuscript enjoyed such a long nap. But when I resubmitted last year, my Internet research revealed a different publishing world. E-book sales had soared. More and more authors were seeking independent publishers. Even self-publishing had adopted a new ring. Hmm, time for this author-wannabe to dismount from high horse.

So, although I had pretty much given up on the idea of ever getting published (see my earlier entries on self-doubt; there shall be plenty more from where that came), I decided to submit to a mostly e-book, independent publisher. Houston, we have take-off.

I feel much better about my choice than I would have a few years ago. People read e-books. I know I do. Sure, not much beats the feel of a great book in your hands, and I still buy my share of those. But I love the freedom of e-books. On vacation, my suitcase is notably lighter. Or, if I’m hanging out somewhere, maybe stuck in line, or sitting out my son’s trombone lesson, or shivering in wait on the doctor’s exam table  in a flattering, paper-thin robe, I can pull out my phone, sync to my last location, and read, read, read.

But for those who prefer paper in their hands (or maybe just because I need to see it with my own eyes), I’ll have a print version as well. It will not be the heavy, prestigiously-bound hardcover of a traditional, New York publisher, but I can live with that. As far as I recall, hardcover tells tales no better than softcover (nor e-book for that matter). I will be seduced by a good story no matter the format.

Times are changing, and that is just fine. As my son, in reference to me, so kindly quips, ‘get with the program, you crusty old lady.’

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